"Bad things happen when good people do nothing"
This talk about standing up for what is right is not new. I have always been meek and not want to get in trouble but I think I am ready to stand up for myself and fight for what is right. I think I am ready to face anyone who will try to undermine or bully me. This is going to be difficult because I am not the kind of person that likes a win-win situation. I am actually the kind that doesn't like a situation at all.
I realise that by not doing anything I am giving other people the permission to do what I think is wrong. Integrity means being honest to ones' moral convictions. I am a Christian and I condemn what is morally wrong, the actions but not the person. When I see something and not speak up about it, no one will know and everyone will assume that there is no problem.
God is a just God. He doesn't want us to be meek christians that says yes to everyone.
I will fan my flame into a blazing fire and stand up for the truth and His word.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2018
After a Few Years
I have no idea when it first started.
My words were taken out of me and it feels like for a few years I haven't been honest on my pledge to live "happily even after."
Yes, I am 33 years old now but in my heart I am still excited for life and where it will take me. There will be days that I'd be lonely but when I look at the past or my plans for the future, I can't help but sigh for the possibilities.
Let me start by saying that for the past few years that I haven't been writing in this blog I was deliciously (can I even say that?) happy.
2016 - was a year of "even ifs". I went all out and let my heart feel with an abandon of living one day at the time. I started having friends online because of aldub and actually met a few of them in real life. I started to write poems and stories, to get involved with peoples everyday lives, and just be a part of something bigger than who I am. I went to Gold Coast meeting a person I've never met before. I practically got out of my shell and become a doer. I had my first painful pep smear (because I am getting older). I took on more responsibility at work to fill me time. I hate to be idle. I started listening to Financial Guru's like Mad Fienist, JL Collins and Mr Money Mustache. I was 31 years old that time and I can't help but think that I was still young and I have all the world in the palm of my hands. How fast time is.
2017 - was a year of "just do it." I was afraid of a lot of things so going for an overseas trip for a month in 18 countries is a feat I was happy to overcome. It made me realise how small I am in a huge crowd of people. The opportunity of going to different places and meeting new people is amazing. This is also a year of me stepping out of my comfort zone. I love my job in Genemark but with Bei moving on with the 'Quality Managers role' I tried applying for the Research Tech job and I got it. I can't believe I got it. I have no idea why in the world they'd hire me. I try my best everyday to live up to my own expectation. I have high hopes for this job because it feels like for the first time I am doing something bigger than what I am. It scares me a lot and it still does but my blood boils just knowing that there will be answers at the end of the tunnel. I'd feel really brainy one minute and defeated the next. The is a whole wide world to explore and a whole wide universe to discover that's for sure.
2018 - this year I'd say is the year of "I can do better" This year is not even over yet but I have hopes and maybes that I'd like to accomplish. The first half of the year seems dragging with a lot of heavy heart and dramas. Work wasn't roses and daisies, the truth it, it was far from it. A lot of manipulation and power play in place and it just breaks my heart. February, I decided to join the church prayer and fasting and it opened up my heart to pray for my workplace. At first I joined because I want to hear from God. He showed me that I am in that place at that time because he was about to do something in my workplace. Phillip, the Diagnostics manager was gone after a few months. It didn't got any better but recently there is another restructure and it feels like things will go in a turn. M bovis was a huge thing in the New Zealand industry and in my workplace. A "big" thing, yea, let's leave it at that. This year, I also had the opportunity to travel to Japan. I'd really want to go back and visit a few other places I didn't get to go to. One thing I learned from the trip was - I wasn't a great shopper.
So yea, a few paragraphs of my life in a nutshell.
Where is my heart at the moment? -At some point I am very disheartened this year to the point where I could say I was actually depressed. I drag myself out of bed and I continuously cry every night (any time of the day rather). I felt alone and heavy. This tiny cloud left me a little bit but it's still there, a chip in my shoulder that wouldn't go. It feels like I am running in circles but not going anywhere. Is it worry, I wonder? Everyday I feel not good enough for anything. My sense of purpose is diminishing and this is not usually who I am. I am worried that my workplace has taken a toll on me. I don't want to lose my sparkle and happiness because one part of my life is dragging me down. Maybe, just maybe there is more than what it seems to be. I don't want to admit that with my singleness, no matter how happy I am, I'm beginning to be restless. Being restless is never a good thing and how to pass the hurdle of just living is something I want to discover before the year ends. I won't let this feeling drag me down. I opened this blog to remind me of the victories of the past. This is what this blog is all about, the beauty in pain. There is always spring after the cold winter nights. It is always the darkest before the first light. To encourage myself that if God has come through me, He will do it again.
My God then is still my God now.
My words were taken out of me and it feels like for a few years I haven't been honest on my pledge to live "happily even after."
Yes, I am 33 years old now but in my heart I am still excited for life and where it will take me. There will be days that I'd be lonely but when I look at the past or my plans for the future, I can't help but sigh for the possibilities.
Let me start by saying that for the past few years that I haven't been writing in this blog I was deliciously (can I even say that?) happy.
2016 - was a year of "even ifs". I went all out and let my heart feel with an abandon of living one day at the time. I started having friends online because of aldub and actually met a few of them in real life. I started to write poems and stories, to get involved with peoples everyday lives, and just be a part of something bigger than who I am. I went to Gold Coast meeting a person I've never met before. I practically got out of my shell and become a doer. I had my first painful pep smear (because I am getting older). I took on more responsibility at work to fill me time. I hate to be idle. I started listening to Financial Guru's like Mad Fienist, JL Collins and Mr Money Mustache. I was 31 years old that time and I can't help but think that I was still young and I have all the world in the palm of my hands. How fast time is.
2017 - was a year of "just do it." I was afraid of a lot of things so going for an overseas trip for a month in 18 countries is a feat I was happy to overcome. It made me realise how small I am in a huge crowd of people. The opportunity of going to different places and meeting new people is amazing. This is also a year of me stepping out of my comfort zone. I love my job in Genemark but with Bei moving on with the 'Quality Managers role' I tried applying for the Research Tech job and I got it. I can't believe I got it. I have no idea why in the world they'd hire me. I try my best everyday to live up to my own expectation. I have high hopes for this job because it feels like for the first time I am doing something bigger than what I am. It scares me a lot and it still does but my blood boils just knowing that there will be answers at the end of the tunnel. I'd feel really brainy one minute and defeated the next. The is a whole wide world to explore and a whole wide universe to discover that's for sure.
2018 - this year I'd say is the year of "I can do better" This year is not even over yet but I have hopes and maybes that I'd like to accomplish. The first half of the year seems dragging with a lot of heavy heart and dramas. Work wasn't roses and daisies, the truth it, it was far from it. A lot of manipulation and power play in place and it just breaks my heart. February, I decided to join the church prayer and fasting and it opened up my heart to pray for my workplace. At first I joined because I want to hear from God. He showed me that I am in that place at that time because he was about to do something in my workplace. Phillip, the Diagnostics manager was gone after a few months. It didn't got any better but recently there is another restructure and it feels like things will go in a turn. M bovis was a huge thing in the New Zealand industry and in my workplace. A "big" thing, yea, let's leave it at that. This year, I also had the opportunity to travel to Japan. I'd really want to go back and visit a few other places I didn't get to go to. One thing I learned from the trip was - I wasn't a great shopper.
So yea, a few paragraphs of my life in a nutshell.
Where is my heart at the moment? -At some point I am very disheartened this year to the point where I could say I was actually depressed. I drag myself out of bed and I continuously cry every night (any time of the day rather). I felt alone and heavy. This tiny cloud left me a little bit but it's still there, a chip in my shoulder that wouldn't go. It feels like I am running in circles but not going anywhere. Is it worry, I wonder? Everyday I feel not good enough for anything. My sense of purpose is diminishing and this is not usually who I am. I am worried that my workplace has taken a toll on me. I don't want to lose my sparkle and happiness because one part of my life is dragging me down. Maybe, just maybe there is more than what it seems to be. I don't want to admit that with my singleness, no matter how happy I am, I'm beginning to be restless. Being restless is never a good thing and how to pass the hurdle of just living is something I want to discover before the year ends. I won't let this feeling drag me down. I opened this blog to remind me of the victories of the past. This is what this blog is all about, the beauty in pain. There is always spring after the cold winter nights. It is always the darkest before the first light. To encourage myself that if God has come through me, He will do it again.
My God then is still my God now.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Nevertheless
I haven't been blogging lately not because I have nothing to say but because I wanted to keep the thoughts to myself and not share them to the world. I have come to a point where acknowledgement no longer matters. I would like to live simply and refuse drama and negativity.
Nevertheless, I would like to share a snippet of my thoughts today.
My day was intense. I went to bed around three in the morning trying my best to sort out Brian's cake. It was my fault for not sorting it out earlier, nevertheless, I might in the future fall into the same pit of procrastination only because I work too well under a lot of pressure. Also, a fail of swapping rosters for Info team when I suddenly realised the cake was needed around lunch time made my day stressful. I have doubts and my heart isn't there fully thinking of my later commitments within the day, nevertheless, God encountered me in such a way I needed to post a blog about it.
I am so caught up with my life that I am dismissing that ache within my heart. I am longing for something greater than me but I am afraid my time has already passed by. I am no longer qualified to dream and to accept these kind of blessings because I have failed miserably. What I have now is more than enough and God is already very gracious to me. I am not worthy of any of these. I have sinned. I have failed. The disappointments of my life will stay with me and eat me up until my last breath. My regrets are battle scars and my tears are mainstays.
Nevertheless, God reminded me that I do not need to be perfect to be loved. I do not need to change to dream. I do not need to do more than what I should to be accepted. The message this morning at Arise service by pastor Steve is about our life's nevertheless. We can and we will go through life with a lot of regrets but God comes in and sweeps us off our feet with his great promise of life and future.
He discussed jeremiag 33:2-9 and it impacted within me when he said, "you might be working too hard and waiting for a breakthrough, God wants you to know that he has a plan for you and nevertheless of your mistakes in the past God is going to use you mightily in a way that you don't even expect."
He also talked about Simon Peter and the fishermen that after a long day of trying to catch fish they didn't have any and Jesus asked them to lower their nets agains and try to fish. So nevertheless, the were tired and was asked by a carpenter to lower their nets even if they know better they still went for it. Can I be like that? Can i be despited of all the struggles to get here get back and try to lower my nets again? I am amazed how God is trying to encounter me every time I come to church lately as if reminding me of the dreams so hidden inside my heart.
My nevertheless will remain there I don't do anything about it. God made me this way to appreciate His great nevertheless in my life.
Nevertheless, I would like to share a snippet of my thoughts today.
My day was intense. I went to bed around three in the morning trying my best to sort out Brian's cake. It was my fault for not sorting it out earlier, nevertheless, I might in the future fall into the same pit of procrastination only because I work too well under a lot of pressure. Also, a fail of swapping rosters for Info team when I suddenly realised the cake was needed around lunch time made my day stressful. I have doubts and my heart isn't there fully thinking of my later commitments within the day, nevertheless, God encountered me in such a way I needed to post a blog about it.
I am so caught up with my life that I am dismissing that ache within my heart. I am longing for something greater than me but I am afraid my time has already passed by. I am no longer qualified to dream and to accept these kind of blessings because I have failed miserably. What I have now is more than enough and God is already very gracious to me. I am not worthy of any of these. I have sinned. I have failed. The disappointments of my life will stay with me and eat me up until my last breath. My regrets are battle scars and my tears are mainstays.
Nevertheless, God reminded me that I do not need to be perfect to be loved. I do not need to change to dream. I do not need to do more than what I should to be accepted. The message this morning at Arise service by pastor Steve is about our life's nevertheless. We can and we will go through life with a lot of regrets but God comes in and sweeps us off our feet with his great promise of life and future.
He discussed jeremiag 33:2-9 and it impacted within me when he said, "you might be working too hard and waiting for a breakthrough, God wants you to know that he has a plan for you and nevertheless of your mistakes in the past God is going to use you mightily in a way that you don't even expect."
He also talked about Simon Peter and the fishermen that after a long day of trying to catch fish they didn't have any and Jesus asked them to lower their nets agains and try to fish. So nevertheless, the were tired and was asked by a carpenter to lower their nets even if they know better they still went for it. Can I be like that? Can i be despited of all the struggles to get here get back and try to lower my nets again? I am amazed how God is trying to encounter me every time I come to church lately as if reminding me of the dreams so hidden inside my heart.
My nevertheless will remain there I don't do anything about it. God made me this way to appreciate His great nevertheless in my life.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
"God's the giver of life. For every dream that dies, a new one takes root. "
- Fame. Karen Kingsbury.
Everyone has problems.
The thing about problems is that someone needs to solve them. I have realised that instead of facing these problems head on I have been running away from them. I am terrified of failure, rejection and being stuck. All of which I am at the moment since I am not achieving anything but guilt, regret and endless agony about certain things that I can never have.
The past is long gone and shouldn't be an issue. Today is something I can deal with and the future, although uncertain is something to be excited about.
I might fail or I might overcome obstacles and succeed.
I might quit or I might pressed on with an unknown determination.
There will be road bumps but there will also be rest stations.
There will be detractors saying I can't do it but there might be encouragers who will tap me in the back and say it will be ok.
Life is not meant to be easy.
Life is meant to be live though.
There is a question ringing inside my head for the past few hours. "What would you attempt to do if you knew it was impossible to fail?
What do I enjoy doing? What do I have to offer to someone?
Jesus is a problem solver.
He is the bread of life. He heals sickness and set free all who are devil possessed. He forgives, he teaches, he mentors, he leads, and he saves. Jesus got something people need.
Is there something that I can offer?
God created me because He has a great purpose. It is to solve something. I might be a solution of some sort into something I didn't expect.
My contribution to another person is my assignment. My assignment will always solve a problem.
Abraham was meant to go to promise land.
Joseph was immigrated to Egypt.
Moses was assigned to the Israelites.
David was meant to be king.
Jesus died in the cross for our sins.
People in the bible were always assigned in different assignments. Think of it as being an agent. I am sent to a mission possible with God's help. It will not be easy. It might take a long time. An agent knows why he is doing something. There is a purpose in his actions.
I must believe on my purpose.
- Fame. Karen Kingsbury.
Everyone has problems.
The thing about problems is that someone needs to solve them. I have realised that instead of facing these problems head on I have been running away from them. I am terrified of failure, rejection and being stuck. All of which I am at the moment since I am not achieving anything but guilt, regret and endless agony about certain things that I can never have.
The past is long gone and shouldn't be an issue. Today is something I can deal with and the future, although uncertain is something to be excited about.
I might fail or I might overcome obstacles and succeed.
I might quit or I might pressed on with an unknown determination.
There will be road bumps but there will also be rest stations.
There will be detractors saying I can't do it but there might be encouragers who will tap me in the back and say it will be ok.
Life is not meant to be easy.
Life is meant to be live though.
There is a question ringing inside my head for the past few hours. "What would you attempt to do if you knew it was impossible to fail?
What do I enjoy doing? What do I have to offer to someone?
Jesus is a problem solver.
He is the bread of life. He heals sickness and set free all who are devil possessed. He forgives, he teaches, he mentors, he leads, and he saves. Jesus got something people need.
Is there something that I can offer?
God created me because He has a great purpose. It is to solve something. I might be a solution of some sort into something I didn't expect.
My contribution to another person is my assignment. My assignment will always solve a problem.
Abraham was meant to go to promise land.
Joseph was immigrated to Egypt.
Moses was assigned to the Israelites.
David was meant to be king.
Jesus died in the cross for our sins.
People in the bible were always assigned in different assignments. Think of it as being an agent. I am sent to a mission possible with God's help. It will not be easy. It might take a long time. An agent knows why he is doing something. There is a purpose in his actions.
I must believe on my purpose.
Monday, June 1, 2015
This is it?
I have been waiting, praying and longing.
The journey is tedious and it feels like I am on the same spot. Missing something I never had. I am striving to become better, to attain my goal and finally have the chance for that "one big thing" that I have always wanted. And when I have thought that I had advanced, something will happen that will place me two steps backwards. I try so hard but it feels like I can never have it. Contentment is an understatement, it shouldn't even be a word.
Still, I waited. I tried. I prayed.
No answer.
At first I couldn't understand what God is trying to say.
The answer came unexpectedly. It became my god. My goal, that one thing I have been praying for so long is the same thing that is slowly killing my relationship with God. It became more important to me than anything else. I thought it will make me happy. If God permits me to have it, I will be happy but that happiness won't stay.
Striving for contentment is a sad reality.
My expectations for myself are high you could almost call me a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself.
I studied hard.
I strived from the bottom going up.
I saved wages.
I bought myself material things that I thought are essential.
Am I happy?
These things, no matter how important they may seem, fade away. These will give temporary happiness. I will go back and ask myself the same thing after I have achieved my goal. This is it?
I don't want to sound as if I am not thankful because I am VERY thankful of the things that I do have. I know some it I don't even deserve but sometimes there are little bumps in life that would leave you hanging and thinking. Is there more to life than this?
I promised myself to live "happily even after." Why is it so hard? I have no idea what my goals are anymore. What is my dream? What is my purpose? What is happening? Why do I have a lot of questions? Where is God? What is He doing? Does He still cares?
Yes, slowly my desires died. All these big things I wanted are not important anymore. At the end of the day I know I have it or not there will always be discontentment inside my heart if God doesn't permit my heart to be fulfilled.
"Is this it?" I know there is more to life than this! I just have to trust God and let nothing fills me up but HIM.
The journey is tedious and it feels like I am on the same spot. Missing something I never had. I am striving to become better, to attain my goal and finally have the chance for that "one big thing" that I have always wanted. And when I have thought that I had advanced, something will happen that will place me two steps backwards. I try so hard but it feels like I can never have it. Contentment is an understatement, it shouldn't even be a word.
Still, I waited. I tried. I prayed.
No answer.
At first I couldn't understand what God is trying to say.
The answer came unexpectedly. It became my god. My goal, that one thing I have been praying for so long is the same thing that is slowly killing my relationship with God. It became more important to me than anything else. I thought it will make me happy. If God permits me to have it, I will be happy but that happiness won't stay.
Striving for contentment is a sad reality.
My expectations for myself are high you could almost call me a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself.
I studied hard.
I strived from the bottom going up.
I saved wages.
I bought myself material things that I thought are essential.
Am I happy?
These things, no matter how important they may seem, fade away. These will give temporary happiness. I will go back and ask myself the same thing after I have achieved my goal. This is it?
I don't want to sound as if I am not thankful because I am VERY thankful of the things that I do have. I know some it I don't even deserve but sometimes there are little bumps in life that would leave you hanging and thinking. Is there more to life than this?
I promised myself to live "happily even after." Why is it so hard? I have no idea what my goals are anymore. What is my dream? What is my purpose? What is happening? Why do I have a lot of questions? Where is God? What is He doing? Does He still cares?
Yes, slowly my desires died. All these big things I wanted are not important anymore. At the end of the day I know I have it or not there will always be discontentment inside my heart if God doesn't permit my heart to be fulfilled.
"Is this it?" I know there is more to life than this! I just have to trust God and let nothing fills me up but HIM.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Cleaning and some Sneezing
"Give me this (mountain) that the Lord promised me." - Joshua 14:12
Cleaning up my mess will always be a chore. But it is also the time when I get to open up old journals, laugh at my old drawings, marvel how weird I was years back and throw away stuff I don't need anymore. It is clearing out not only my room but my past. I try not to hoard but it will never be easy to let go.
For years I have struggled with forgiveness not for another person but of myself. I regret a lot of things in my life. It is hard to admit but I am too hard on myself. A lot of people told me so. I beg to disagree that I am a perfectionist but that is besides the point. It seems like I always want to prove myself that I am worthy. That I can be accepted. I try too much to please I give out bad first impressions.
I have learned that no matter what I do I cannot control what people think of me. I do not owe anyone an explanation of why and how I do things. They have opinions and it takes too little to change that otherwise. If they like me good, if they don't I will not subject myself into a travesty believing they would magically become bestfriends with me. It just doesn't work that way.
In life we choose to throw away things that are not important, let go of people who will hurt us, and move on with positivity to achieve greatness. I have decided not to let myself be dragged down with self pity, guilt, and anger. I have decided to live happily "even" after, right?
Why did I include sneezing in the title? Aside from the fact that I get massive allergies from dust I have also realize that when you try to purge things out of your life it will give you a certain discomfort you wouldn't like. It will not be easy, it can make you ill but it has to be done.
These kind of things are worth it.
In conclusion, my sis Joi has suggested that instead of cooping inside the four walls of my room I should write again since I have a lot of pent up emotions. I never considered myself a good writer but true enough aside from all the grammatical and spelling errors I have always been a person who has a lot to say. I used to write ISCF corner in "the Pillar" back in the days. When I was young, stupid, reckless, has a loud voice especially when angry (as pau says, sorry na pau), and when I was focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I envy that same girl and how I wish I could dream like her. I am happy for what I have become, for people I have met and for circumstances that made me thick. I would never trade that.
Still, if there's one thing I would like to remind myself of, it is how stubborn I was on what I believe. I went out for things that are far beyond my capabilities. I believe in the power of one knee praying than none at all. I have great faith on an amazing God.
Cleaning up my mess made my life simpler. Sure, I'll be having a terrible night sleeping but tomorrow will be another day. And guess what? I will be waking up in a tidy room and endless possibilities.
Cleaning up my mess will always be a chore. But it is also the time when I get to open up old journals, laugh at my old drawings, marvel how weird I was years back and throw away stuff I don't need anymore. It is clearing out not only my room but my past. I try not to hoard but it will never be easy to let go.
For years I have struggled with forgiveness not for another person but of myself. I regret a lot of things in my life. It is hard to admit but I am too hard on myself. A lot of people told me so. I beg to disagree that I am a perfectionist but that is besides the point. It seems like I always want to prove myself that I am worthy. That I can be accepted. I try too much to please I give out bad first impressions.
I have learned that no matter what I do I cannot control what people think of me. I do not owe anyone an explanation of why and how I do things. They have opinions and it takes too little to change that otherwise. If they like me good, if they don't I will not subject myself into a travesty believing they would magically become bestfriends with me. It just doesn't work that way.
In life we choose to throw away things that are not important, let go of people who will hurt us, and move on with positivity to achieve greatness. I have decided not to let myself be dragged down with self pity, guilt, and anger. I have decided to live happily "even" after, right?
Why did I include sneezing in the title? Aside from the fact that I get massive allergies from dust I have also realize that when you try to purge things out of your life it will give you a certain discomfort you wouldn't like. It will not be easy, it can make you ill but it has to be done.
These kind of things are worth it.
In conclusion, my sis Joi has suggested that instead of cooping inside the four walls of my room I should write again since I have a lot of pent up emotions. I never considered myself a good writer but true enough aside from all the grammatical and spelling errors I have always been a person who has a lot to say. I used to write ISCF corner in "the Pillar" back in the days. When I was young, stupid, reckless, has a loud voice especially when angry (as pau says, sorry na pau), and when I was focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I envy that same girl and how I wish I could dream like her. I am happy for what I have become, for people I have met and for circumstances that made me thick. I would never trade that.
Still, if there's one thing I would like to remind myself of, it is how stubborn I was on what I believe. I went out for things that are far beyond my capabilities. I believe in the power of one knee praying than none at all. I have great faith on an amazing God.
Cleaning up my mess made my life simpler. Sure, I'll be having a terrible night sleeping but tomorrow will be another day. And guess what? I will be waking up in a tidy room and endless possibilities.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Best Birthday so Far
I woke up dizzy this morning. Even before today I have been in a series of mini celebrations for my birthday. It's not my 18th or my 21st but it feels like I have only started appreciating my birthday as I got older.
Last Wednesday I received my first birthday gift. I got a scarf and a charm bracelet from Roop and Veronica! I soooo love it! The bracelet is so cute with a wishbone, four leaf clover and horseshoe. I feel so lucky already to have such an awesome gift.
It was my parents 31st anniversary too
Thursday, is practically my rest day. But I get to shop for some things I wanted to buy for myself. Joi gave me an awesome kathmandu bag.
I got to get myself some hoodies, a dress,another bag (a girl always needs more bag) and a happiness journal.
Friday was amazing! I get to go with Dindin and Jowi to Taupo for some bungy jumping and cliffhanger swing.
Jowi got her try of bungy jumping too. I didn't get to skydive because it was to windy I have to reschedule it on Sunday (tadah!my birthday). We got ourselves some sushi for lunch and hang out by the lake before going home. The bungy was a scary experience but well.. it was fun at the same time. I am just glad to have done it.
Saturday, me and a couple of people went for a hike to Wairere Falls. It was beautiful!! Just a great place to go to. The people with me who celebrated my pre-birthday were awesomer than awesome. We had a fab day in there.
Saturday, me and a couple of people went for a hike to Wairere Falls. It was beautiful!! Just a great place to go to. The people with me who celebrated my pre-birthday were awesomer than awesome. We had a fab day in there.
My mom gave me some Pajamas for my birthday in which I think are awesome gifts as well.
Sunday, my birthday, (today) I got to skydive back at Taupo with Joi. My dad drove and it was so nice to have someone drive us there since I have a massive headache after climbing that mountain (oh Lord, why?) But the skydiving was amazing! My skydiving instructor was Elad and I did some crazy things up there. I am such a wuzz.
After skydiving I was stung by a bee (which is a first) and my headache lessened. The pain in my right pinky is still here and it's still stiff.
We went for a drive and I have to admit it was good fun too.
Adel and Ate Emie gave me hiking shoes and a bag (respectively). I am just sooooo..thrilled. huwaw.. db?
The end of the day, I blew some candles over some macaroons and prayed for everyone who remembered.
I am overwhelmed with the love people has shown me today. Important naman pala ako (hahaha).
The last thing I would like to do is to never forget and document things here. Thank you. Thank you for everyone. Thank you for friends, family and people who made me stronger to be such a bad ass chick (I have boasting rights as someone told me). And I thank God for allowing me to experience all this. I need this. The reassurance. The thrill. The pure enjoyment. The feelings of being loved despite of. I know not a lot of people like me. I don't care anymore. A few true people are enough and God showed me that kindness I have given to people in the past were never in vain. I may self pity every now and then but I am not alone. I care for them and that is what matters. God is well aware of my struggle to fit in and seek for approval but I don't need such things anymore. I do my best, sometimes more than what of expected from me. I want to surprise people that I can do it and more. This is the challenge for myself. The extremes are just a representation of what I have become. A person not afraid.. anymore..
-signing off
JO
^_^
The last thing I would like to do is to never forget and document things here. Thank you. Thank you for everyone. Thank you for friends, family and people who made me stronger to be such a bad ass chick (I have boasting rights as someone told me). And I thank God for allowing me to experience all this. I need this. The reassurance. The thrill. The pure enjoyment. The feelings of being loved despite of. I know not a lot of people like me. I don't care anymore. A few true people are enough and God showed me that kindness I have given to people in the past were never in vain. I may self pity every now and then but I am not alone. I care for them and that is what matters. God is well aware of my struggle to fit in and seek for approval but I don't need such things anymore. I do my best, sometimes more than what of expected from me. I want to surprise people that I can do it and more. This is the challenge for myself. The extremes are just a representation of what I have become. A person not afraid.. anymore..
-signing off
JO
^_^
Thursday, March 20, 2014
nerve wrecking
I should go to sleep.
All my senses are trying to tell me "have some rest for you will need it tomorrow." But sleep is well aware of the fear inside my chest it wouldn't succumb to my plea.
I am afraid. No I am terrified.
I feel like a bloke of ice, frozen and petrified.
I have made a decision to face my fear. Hands sweating, feet cold, heart pumping scared out of my wits I am still going to do this. It is now or never.
I never expect to have this courage. I am a thrill seeker but at the same time I try to live cautiously. I want change and to prove to myself that I am not a wimp. That I can stand on my own and do it. That I can overcome struggles and be victorious.
I have been reading John Elridge book "journey to desire" and I realized my desire to be a person who'll step up and step out. This is a "just do it" thing.
Jumping is not the scary bit.It is the stomach lurching pain of knowing things will never be the same afterwards.
Lord, I pray to be safe. You are with me and I will not be afraid.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Tears in the Storm
As I gaze outside my window, a good 24 degrees Celsius outside, I can't help but wonder about my fellowmen back home.
Three days ago a big typhoon hit the Philippines. It was known internationally as Haiyan, but locally it was called Yolanda. Words are not enough to describe the devastation it left the whole nation taking an estimation of 10 000 people and displacing more than 600 000 from their homes. It is on every radio and tv station, on the internet, on facebook and twitter. People offering their help, condolences, prayers and financial assistance.
I wept bitterly seeing children, old people, men and women being swept away by the strong current or being thrown by the winds. I don't know anyone personally, still tears won't stop just by knowing that they might be cold or hungry. The will to go on and to survive. How can they do it knowing one of their loved ones just passed away? How can they cope?
I wish I can go there and help. To extend whatever means I can. My heart is burdened it won't stop from praying, hoping and with the little that I have help as much as I can. Maybe if I am back home I might be volunteering packing relief goods or whatever they need me to do. My feet are itching to go there and be involved. It is such a privilege to know that the NZ government is giving a lofty donation to my country. At the same time being a member of NZ Unicef gives me a peek at some of the things that they are doing.
But, there is a big but in this blog. It pains me to see facebook. How people are unconcerned about the other half of the country. Games, selcas, food, drawings and parties. I know life shouldn't stop. I am just offended by all the talks about Filipinos against Filipinos, controversies about pork barrel, looting and anarchy, who opens doors and who doesn't, blaming, pointing fingers and laughing at no-nonesense particulars about our President. I am ashamed that instead of going out there and helping we are just loud noises that keep on babbling opinions between right and wrong.
At the same time, I am proud. All the concerned people who kept on praying and assisting. I am amazed how social networking helped in the fast response for help. I have read stories of hope, of relief, of tears of joy knowing their loved ones survived. Despite the horrific photos in the internet there were tear-jerker ones where people held hands, smiled and waved as the devastation moved past behind them.
I am praying for my country.I wish I can do more than just express another opinion in a blog.
Jesus would go out there. Calm the chaos, heal the sick, feed the thousands. He would be hands on giving compassion, hope and peace. Filipinos are resilient and we always bounce back from tragedies over and over again. I am proud of that and will always be.
Donations given to:
http://www.rappler.com/move-ph/issues/disasters/43300-reliefph-victims-typhoon-yolanda-help
https://www.unicef.org.nz/
Three days ago a big typhoon hit the Philippines. It was known internationally as Haiyan, but locally it was called Yolanda. Words are not enough to describe the devastation it left the whole nation taking an estimation of 10 000 people and displacing more than 600 000 from their homes. It is on every radio and tv station, on the internet, on facebook and twitter. People offering their help, condolences, prayers and financial assistance.
I wept bitterly seeing children, old people, men and women being swept away by the strong current or being thrown by the winds. I don't know anyone personally, still tears won't stop just by knowing that they might be cold or hungry. The will to go on and to survive. How can they do it knowing one of their loved ones just passed away? How can they cope?
I wish I can go there and help. To extend whatever means I can. My heart is burdened it won't stop from praying, hoping and with the little that I have help as much as I can. Maybe if I am back home I might be volunteering packing relief goods or whatever they need me to do. My feet are itching to go there and be involved. It is such a privilege to know that the NZ government is giving a lofty donation to my country. At the same time being a member of NZ Unicef gives me a peek at some of the things that they are doing.
But, there is a big but in this blog. It pains me to see facebook. How people are unconcerned about the other half of the country. Games, selcas, food, drawings and parties. I know life shouldn't stop. I am just offended by all the talks about Filipinos against Filipinos, controversies about pork barrel, looting and anarchy, who opens doors and who doesn't, blaming, pointing fingers and laughing at no-nonesense particulars about our President. I am ashamed that instead of going out there and helping we are just loud noises that keep on babbling opinions between right and wrong.
At the same time, I am proud. All the concerned people who kept on praying and assisting. I am amazed how social networking helped in the fast response for help. I have read stories of hope, of relief, of tears of joy knowing their loved ones survived. Despite the horrific photos in the internet there were tear-jerker ones where people held hands, smiled and waved as the devastation moved past behind them.
I am praying for my country.I wish I can do more than just express another opinion in a blog.
Jesus would go out there. Calm the chaos, heal the sick, feed the thousands. He would be hands on giving compassion, hope and peace. Filipinos are resilient and we always bounce back from tragedies over and over again. I am proud of that and will always be.
Donations given to:
http://www.rappler.com/move-ph/issues/disasters/43300-reliefph-victims-typhoon-yolanda-help
https://www.unicef.org.nz/
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Lukewarm life
It's been months since I last posted a blog in this page. It is not because I have lost my passion for looking for my happily ever after but only because in these past six months I am in a journey of rediscovering what life truly has to offer. It might sound a little more melodramatic but the truth is I am not so sure myself what it is about finding yourself and knowing what makes you happy.
I am comfortable. I am neither happy nor sad and that concerns me knowing that passion never lies in between. As much in life, in love, or in anything else, we shouldn't be lukewarm. I am concerned that I am becoming passive and just don't care anymore. At the back of my mind I don't want to go with the flow but experience life in a different way. Money isn't everything but you need it to live and that got in the way. I want money. I need money. My passion stopped.
I am not inlove with my job. It is not the greatest of the jobs but it isn't the worst of it either. It was nice, comfortable, not easy but mostly routine. I like it. The consistency of the lab suits my unparalleled thinking.At some point I truly just want to stay in this job and do it forever. Then something happened.
I am now offered a two year fixed term contract and I am very happy about it. Then my friend back in the Philippines suddenly contracted me and told me that my TOR is on its way. I am torn. I have always waited for that piece of paper to help me get through with my life in this foreign land. And now that I am holding it in my hands I am doubtful about what I want again.
I have always wanted to continue my studies and be someone who holds a doctor degree. Call it ambition or whatever but in life some people do want recognition and I would be a hypocrite not to say so. I can always jst do it. The things is.. I am already earning money and quitting my job isn't an option. I like my job more than anything else even if it gives me S*** most of the time. A part time study is an option only if I am studying something that doesn't involve a lot of memorizing and reports. I can totally do it but I am not so sure anymore.
My life is lukewarm. I am neither hot nor cold. I do not know what I want. I am nearly in my thirties and I envy people around me that just loves what they are doing. Or at least they are doing something for a greater purpose other than earning. I plan to live happily. To prove there is more to life than just lovelife.
I have realized there is more to life than just love and career.
I know what the missing piece is and I need to renew my relationship with HIM or I will be a walking zombie like everyone else.
God.
Somehow I realize, it always goes back to Him.
I am comfortable. I am neither happy nor sad and that concerns me knowing that passion never lies in between. As much in life, in love, or in anything else, we shouldn't be lukewarm. I am concerned that I am becoming passive and just don't care anymore. At the back of my mind I don't want to go with the flow but experience life in a different way. Money isn't everything but you need it to live and that got in the way. I want money. I need money. My passion stopped.
I am not inlove with my job. It is not the greatest of the jobs but it isn't the worst of it either. It was nice, comfortable, not easy but mostly routine. I like it. The consistency of the lab suits my unparalleled thinking.At some point I truly just want to stay in this job and do it forever. Then something happened.
I am now offered a two year fixed term contract and I am very happy about it. Then my friend back in the Philippines suddenly contracted me and told me that my TOR is on its way. I am torn. I have always waited for that piece of paper to help me get through with my life in this foreign land. And now that I am holding it in my hands I am doubtful about what I want again.
I have always wanted to continue my studies and be someone who holds a doctor degree. Call it ambition or whatever but in life some people do want recognition and I would be a hypocrite not to say so. I can always jst do it. The things is.. I am already earning money and quitting my job isn't an option. I like my job more than anything else even if it gives me S*** most of the time. A part time study is an option only if I am studying something that doesn't involve a lot of memorizing and reports. I can totally do it but I am not so sure anymore.
My life is lukewarm. I am neither hot nor cold. I do not know what I want. I am nearly in my thirties and I envy people around me that just loves what they are doing. Or at least they are doing something for a greater purpose other than earning. I plan to live happily. To prove there is more to life than just lovelife.
I have realized there is more to life than just love and career.
I know what the missing piece is and I need to renew my relationship with HIM or I will be a walking zombie like everyone else.
God.
Somehow I realize, it always goes back to Him.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Parachute (day one)
Being new to this whole Parachute thing I have high expectations about the 3day christian camp music event of New Zealand. So this one goes from 25-27 2013, friday to sunday. We have red wristbands and the cool thing about it is that you don't have to carry your wallet around but just swipe your wristband to buy items. It is pretty cool, i kinda think it's like "in time" movie of justin (ok that movie wasn't that great but it was funny remembering that).
The first band that we saw was young lyre, they are actually good esp the drummer that plays as if he dances. Free at will was next and it is heavy metal rock or something but they were awesome. It was just funny how the guy in front of us messes up once ina while. We were standing in front by the rails.. awesome.But I mean the main singer is good himself as most often i don't like looking at main singers for they just.. well, they just sing.. but he's good. He goes crazy.
We roamed the place bought some yummy churros and wait for saving grace. I jave heard of them before but not really. As the front act of the main stage they must be really good.. well they are. All main stages are thumbs up btw.
We were standing by the front rails again and there we can see them almost up close. They are screamo rock and i haven't heard that kind of music since greyhoundz. All i can say to that is wow. The stage presence and charisma, the testimony of this 8 year band for Jesus. They do mosh pits and circle running around thing with the audience! Totally dusty and fun! hahaha.
New empire, an australian band wss good as well, we were considering of watching them again tomorrow. The main singer can play the guitar and keybboards. he told us by the stage that his mom died 3 days ago and had a funeral yesterday. waaa.. poor guy.
We didn't stay for ruby frost but she is good
We went at the other stages to watch new bands. Ended up seeing arklow with a few fans with them but the singer is pretty, my sis thinks she looks like katy perry and her guitarist looks like taylor swift. What are the odds, that is cute.
Black boy peaches came but they were not as good so we ended up coming bakc to the main stage. haha.. troll of us waiting for them and leaving. *shrugs shoulders*
Evermore was more than what I expected and I liked some of their songs. I have heard that they were the judges for the Parachute got talent. I mean, they were really good and the crowd responded to them well.
But Rapture ruckus, that was the best finale i have seen for a long time. I am smiling the whole time. I am officially their fan now haha.. The singer is just admirable! He shared Jesus, he even prayed for the audience. It was good fun! Some songs sounded like kpop then some sounded like black eyed peas. In the end they were just a band singing for Jesus. He rode a bubble in the crowd which was just so funny. He was carried around the whole crowd which I haven't seen in a concert before. Brave soul he is. haha. Maybe I will end up buying their cd. You couldn't blame me really. I like the that much.
All in all my first experience of parachutE is amazing. I wish i can be a better teller so i'd give justice to the great day.
For now i feel so tired i need a good night rest so that i'd be ready for the 2nd day. Sooo excited!!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
I Wish
What are my hearts desires?
What do I really want in life?
Where do I go from here?
These are the questions swirling on my head today.
To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.
Still.
There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?
I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.
I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.
I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.
I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.
My only dream is to be with Jesus.
I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.
I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.
I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?
It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?
To be a vet?
To be a writer?
To travel?
To praise God?
I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.
I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.
I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t want to stay like this forever.
I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.
I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.
But I am a coward.
My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.
And what now?
What do I do now?
I told you.
My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.
I wish I did well.
I wish.
I wish.
What do I really want in life?
Where do I go from here?
These are the questions swirling on my head today.
To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.
Still.
There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?
I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.
I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.
I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.
I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.
My only dream is to be with Jesus.
I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.
I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.
I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?
It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?
To be a vet?
To be a writer?
To travel?
To praise God?
I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.
I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.
I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t want to stay like this forever.
I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.
I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.
But I am a coward.
My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.
And what now?
What do I do now?
I told you.
My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.
I wish I did well.
I wish.
I wish.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Lately.
Lately I am not satisfied with a couple of blogs I am posting. I try to be rational and not let petty things get to me but as I read them out again it sounded like a rant of some sort that people doesn't deserve from me. They are not to blame. I guess I just have an attitude problem of stereotyping (which is different from discrimination) and resentment (oh such a strong word). I wish to go backpacking but opt out the idea because I have nowhere to go in the first place.
Pity.
For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).
As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.
The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.
I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.
I used to be thankful.
I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.
I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.
I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.
Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.
I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?
In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.
Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.
God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.
"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."
Pity.
For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).
As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.
The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.
I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.
I used to be thankful.
I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.
I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.
I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.
Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.
I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?
In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.
Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.
God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.
"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Forgive. Pray. Love.
I am praying earnestly.
These past few days had been dragging. Making me sluggish and a bit drained from all the thinking. The loathing I had for people who made me feel inferior. I used to believe it's alright to be pushed over to the side and close my eyes from all the inconsistencies of this world. I no longer feel that way. I want to hate.
This person who prays and begs God for revival, for a renewed heart is struggling to find peace. As my workmate puts it into words it is my "loopy mechanism" (supposed to be coping mechanism). Yes, I want to hate.
I prefer to run than to hate. I would rather dodge the ball and not look back than to hate. I will favor to be called crazy than to hate. But for now, let me hate. Let me be unforgiving for one second. Let me rant. Let me say things I would rather keep to myself. For I could no longer keep my silence.
But you know what's funny? As soon as I decided to let it go, to let the anger that lingered burst out, a gentle tap in the back made me stop in the tracks. It came as a word, a devotion, a quiet time as people most often call it. Sometimes it is out of habit that I do my devotions. A lingering feeling of doing it first before anything else. A word of God to help me get through the day. To smile despite the bitter lemons of my juicy life.
It is not an obligation or a habit but an essential thing in my life. As if I couldn't breathe. More important than air, better than coffee, more filling than cereals or toast. It's as if I couldn't function without God's instruction and I realize that is how it should be.
Back to my "HATING" issue. I am appalled by this person and her family. I wish not to roll my eyes (but I did), it is just pure hate. I have learned to forgive her but she keeps on stabbing the same wound. As I have mentioned in my older blogs (ok a 5 year old blog for that matter) I have an issue about wound healing and scars. I deliberately explained how scientifically and spiritually wounds heal.
I am a person of forgiving instincts, too forgiving for my own benefit. Lately my heart had been hardened. I know I have said this once. "I forgive not because the person who hurt me deserves it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what God wants me to do and I’m actually ok with it."
I sigh.
Is it really? Is it ok with me?
I argued with God. Asking how unfair life is. People should be punished! The thoughts were never ending but in the end I got tired from being angry, from being hurt. I no longer wanted to be the victim. I want to forgive. (facepalm)
It is hard to look forward for tomorrow seeing gray skies. How can I trust if God truly love me if the mess I am in doesn't change? Is he still listening to my prayers? How can I rely on God for help when He doesn't seem to do anything when it gets hard? I mean He could have kept Joseph out of prison (but he didn't), stopped Daniel being thrown into a den of lions (but never did), or made sure Paul wasn't shipwrecked (but happened anyway).
The bigger picture.
Take a closer look.
As a result of near-death experiences, they got to know God more and the result was that they impacted the world around them. I have realize that with God, best moments will often follow the worst times.
I pray for a change of heart.
I pray not to hate.
I pray that I will no longer look down at myself and think I am the victim.
I will not hate.
I joked a good friend of mine last night saying, "I will probably punch their guts with prayers and give them a roundhouse kick of love. Let me see how they will counter attack that!"
Who says loving the unlovable is easy?
If it's easy everyone can do it.
Forgive.
Pray.
Love.
Notes: Word for the day devotionals and old blog excerpts included in this blog.
These past few days had been dragging. Making me sluggish and a bit drained from all the thinking. The loathing I had for people who made me feel inferior. I used to believe it's alright to be pushed over to the side and close my eyes from all the inconsistencies of this world. I no longer feel that way. I want to hate.
This person who prays and begs God for revival, for a renewed heart is struggling to find peace. As my workmate puts it into words it is my "loopy mechanism" (supposed to be coping mechanism). Yes, I want to hate.
I prefer to run than to hate. I would rather dodge the ball and not look back than to hate. I will favor to be called crazy than to hate. But for now, let me hate. Let me be unforgiving for one second. Let me rant. Let me say things I would rather keep to myself. For I could no longer keep my silence.
But you know what's funny? As soon as I decided to let it go, to let the anger that lingered burst out, a gentle tap in the back made me stop in the tracks. It came as a word, a devotion, a quiet time as people most often call it. Sometimes it is out of habit that I do my devotions. A lingering feeling of doing it first before anything else. A word of God to help me get through the day. To smile despite the bitter lemons of my juicy life.
It is not an obligation or a habit but an essential thing in my life. As if I couldn't breathe. More important than air, better than coffee, more filling than cereals or toast. It's as if I couldn't function without God's instruction and I realize that is how it should be.
Back to my "HATING" issue. I am appalled by this person and her family. I wish not to roll my eyes (but I did), it is just pure hate. I have learned to forgive her but she keeps on stabbing the same wound. As I have mentioned in my older blogs (ok a 5 year old blog for that matter) I have an issue about wound healing and scars. I deliberately explained how scientifically and spiritually wounds heal.
I am a person of forgiving instincts, too forgiving for my own benefit. Lately my heart had been hardened. I know I have said this once. "I forgive not because the person who hurt me deserves it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what God wants me to do and I’m actually ok with it."
I sigh.
Is it really? Is it ok with me?
I argued with God. Asking how unfair life is. People should be punished! The thoughts were never ending but in the end I got tired from being angry, from being hurt. I no longer wanted to be the victim. I want to forgive. (facepalm)
It is hard to look forward for tomorrow seeing gray skies. How can I trust if God truly love me if the mess I am in doesn't change? Is he still listening to my prayers? How can I rely on God for help when He doesn't seem to do anything when it gets hard? I mean He could have kept Joseph out of prison (but he didn't), stopped Daniel being thrown into a den of lions (but never did), or made sure Paul wasn't shipwrecked (but happened anyway).
The bigger picture.
Take a closer look.
As a result of near-death experiences, they got to know God more and the result was that they impacted the world around them. I have realize that with God, best moments will often follow the worst times.
I pray for a change of heart.
I pray not to hate.
I pray that I will no longer look down at myself and think I am the victim.
I will not hate.
I joked a good friend of mine last night saying, "I will probably punch their guts with prayers and give them a roundhouse kick of love. Let me see how they will counter attack that!"
Who says loving the unlovable is easy?
If it's easy everyone can do it.
Forgive.
Pray.
Love.
Notes: Word for the day devotionals and old blog excerpts included in this blog.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I salute you.
A few days ago an interesting discussion occurred inside our lab. The bottom of the heated debate is this..
"Why am I getting married? It doesn't change anything between us."
To be honest I am not surprised that a lot of people think this way. That marriage is overrated and an expensive way to tell the world about the other person you are dating.If you love each other you will date and eventually have sex. It is pleasing a man made rule which we call religion. Marriage is a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything.
I heard I lot of these talk nowadays. That people choose to live together but not get married. Why bother? Either one is already married in the past and it didn't worked out or they choose not to be married mainly because it is more convenient in the budget. (what budget?) What if one day they wake up realizing they no longer love the other person? Not being married means there is no strings attached.
I may get it wrong for I have seen people who are not married but are more devoted and COMMITTED to their partners. Often married people are more miserable, the responsibility and expectations of society is upgraded, and a breakup is a social commotion. You don't get all the drama if you just stay together and live like married people except signing the papers. Easier, right?
In the same way I bow my head to people who chooses to do otherwise. To make vows in front of the church and society that they WANT to be faithful and committed to the other person they are holding hands with. Not a spur of a moment thing but a life changing decision that they wish to fulfill the rest of their lives. Marriage, for me, is not just a contract but a promise made to God. To be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, til death. Be together even if the other one changes or doesn't change. Be strong in spite of weakness and celebrate in greatest victories. Marriage is thinking the welfare of the other more of their own.
God has often said that the church is His bride. He will take care of the church. Give all its needs despite of being cranky sometimes. He will be patient and show compassion, kindness, be slow to anger and be forgiving, to love at all time. Being married to the church means He will die for the church and save it from any harm. Marriage in God's vocabulary is servanthood and self sacrifice.
At the back of my mind it could have been good being together with someone but isn't it more beautiful to be loved in such a way that He/She promises to take care of you more than their life? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is not just an oath. It is a way of life you choose to take. To be responsible for another person than your own.
I may never know the best things marriage can offer (let the best people tell you about that.. ^_^) but I know one thing is for sure. Why will I settle for something that society thinks is cool if I can have the real deal? Isn't NOT being married just an excuse?
People are having casual sex anyway, right? (well that's another topic to discuss) but then again, it is far more beautiful shared inside the sanctity of marriage. I have heard, I have seen, I have known. Believe me things are beautiful in it's own time. Marriage will always be better than partnership. Love is always greater than lust. Inviting God inside a relationship (through marriage) will always be the best choice.
"Why am I getting married? It doesn't change anything between us."
To be honest I am not surprised that a lot of people think this way. That marriage is overrated and an expensive way to tell the world about the other person you are dating.If you love each other you will date and eventually have sex. It is pleasing a man made rule which we call religion. Marriage is a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything.
I heard I lot of these talk nowadays. That people choose to live together but not get married. Why bother? Either one is already married in the past and it didn't worked out or they choose not to be married mainly because it is more convenient in the budget. (what budget?) What if one day they wake up realizing they no longer love the other person? Not being married means there is no strings attached.
I may get it wrong for I have seen people who are not married but are more devoted and COMMITTED to their partners. Often married people are more miserable, the responsibility and expectations of society is upgraded, and a breakup is a social commotion. You don't get all the drama if you just stay together and live like married people except signing the papers. Easier, right?
In the same way I bow my head to people who chooses to do otherwise. To make vows in front of the church and society that they WANT to be faithful and committed to the other person they are holding hands with. Not a spur of a moment thing but a life changing decision that they wish to fulfill the rest of their lives. Marriage, for me, is not just a contract but a promise made to God. To be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, til death. Be together even if the other one changes or doesn't change. Be strong in spite of weakness and celebrate in greatest victories. Marriage is thinking the welfare of the other more of their own.
God has often said that the church is His bride. He will take care of the church. Give all its needs despite of being cranky sometimes. He will be patient and show compassion, kindness, be slow to anger and be forgiving, to love at all time. Being married to the church means He will die for the church and save it from any harm. Marriage in God's vocabulary is servanthood and self sacrifice.
At the back of my mind it could have been good being together with someone but isn't it more beautiful to be loved in such a way that He/She promises to take care of you more than their life? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is not just an oath. It is a way of life you choose to take. To be responsible for another person than your own.
I may never know the best things marriage can offer (let the best people tell you about that.. ^_^) but I know one thing is for sure. Why will I settle for something that society thinks is cool if I can have the real deal? Isn't NOT being married just an excuse?
People are having casual sex anyway, right? (well that's another topic to discuss) but then again, it is far more beautiful shared inside the sanctity of marriage. I have heard, I have seen, I have known. Believe me things are beautiful in it's own time. Marriage will always be better than partnership. Love is always greater than lust. Inviting God inside a relationship (through marriage) will always be the best choice.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Why I am Not Married.
It is a question asked by a lot of people. I am 27 (of age) and typically in the bracket of marrying. A lot of the people I know and grew up with are happily married or engaged. They have kids, a happily ever fairy tale partner and a white picket fence to secure everything.
It never occurred to me that at this age I would still be living at home eating pancakes and cookies. So coming back to the topic, why am I not married?
Various reasons and excuses will come into mind so I will try to define everything one by one for the benefit of my sister (Joi) who’s trying to ask me this question earlier.
1. Marriage is not a priority– I know this may sound as a lame excuse but sorting out my life, my career and what I wanted to do comes into mind. I believe I can have the same freedom in marriage but I have no confidence that I will commit myself with the same focus as I have today. Being single is liberating. It gives me enormous time to make mistakes and become more radical.
2. My financial stability – I am not confident for a series of responsibility like paying bills, rent and buying diapers. As I have just said, my career is yet to come. I am in a moment of transition wherein I have no means to support another person. As a woman, with a Filipino cultural background, I have been told that the man is the one who buys the bread and butter. I have believed it at some point but it doesn’t mean I will sit down and not do anything to save and become useful. I am most happy to share the burden and compromise. At this point of time, I may not be very cooperative in compromising.
3. God says I am not ready. – This is simple, direct and true. I am single because God designed my timeline in such a way that I should grow in Him first before anything else. I guess people might call this maturity. The character to love and become unselfish for another person. Singleness doesn’t opt me out on becoming a great person but is preparing me to be considerate and kind.
4. Marriage is commitment. – I do not take marriage lightly. In our microwave generation, everything seems to be instant with the snap of our fingers. Our marriages nowadays are picture perfect Polaroid shots. It looks good, it feels right but the responsibility behind it is often overlooked.
Marriage has become an expectation or an escape. Either way, I am not doing it to please other people. The older generations expects a woman of my stature and age to be married and have kids but I beg to differ. Age will never be a determining factor in commitment.
In the same way, in my twisted opinion, having a baby is an excuse for marriage. I am not condemning people who did get married because of the kid but what I’m trying to say is that it shouldn’t be the reason. Divorce rate, legally or not are rampant in our society. Marriage is not the answer to life’s problems.
I am not saying that I am trying to dodge marriage because of my fear of commitment but it’s the other way around. I have a high esteem to commitment and loyalty therefore unless I see myself being drawn to such I will choose to abstain to anything that might feel good but not right.
There might be another thousand reasons why I (or other people my age) am not married. Whatever our reasons are I would like to point out that marriage doesn’t make you a complete person. Intimate connection to another person is essential to grow up and become mature but it doesn’t solely rely on one person inside the sanctity of marriage.
I would also like to point out that I am contented and happy the way things are right now. I would definitely not know how it feels to sleep at night with my beloved but being single doesn’t make me less happy than the rest of the world. I am responsible for my own level of happiness. If you are miserable being single, most likely you will be miserable married. Our response to life determines our state of mind.
Lastly, I am not married because I choose not be married. There is a time and place of everything under the sun. Getting married is easy such as signing a piece of paper and moving in with someone. But I choose not to because I believe I can do better than jump into the water and not know the consequences of my actions. I can blindly date and meet with people but I choose not to. As much as I believe that marriage is a decision, love in the same way, is a decision. At the moment my decision is to love God (alright maybe a bit of Micky here) and myself.
If marriage is a season for celebration, isn’t singleness the preparatory jamboree? ^_^
Monday, March 5, 2012
Reading my old blogs
I can feel tears starting to well up in my eyes as I think of the past. For the past hour I have been reading a series of my old feelings through my blog. That blog used to be open to the public but for personal reasons I choose to hide. Feelings were clearly written on the archives of that blog and it scares me to know that people will start to know how I think.
But today I take courage to share a part of it. A part of my inner soul and the pain I have endured for the past year. 2011 was a moment of transition. I hope after relieving all these memories it will help me to focus and keep track on what I'm supposed to be doing.
These were a few of my random thoughts that tickled my mind..
-December 2011
-December 2010
-January 2011
-January 2011
-February 2011
February 2011
-March 2011
-March 2011
-July 2011
-July 2011
-November 2011
-November 2011
-December 2011
-December 2011
and in conclusion to my blog archives here's one from 2012..
-January 2012
It feels weird reading simple sentences and putting them up together having a brief summary of my year. From deep s*** to unbelievably good high spirits. From smiling to laughing. It has been an awesome year. Nothing I expected since I never planned anything anyway (LOL). I am now (I assume I am) back to my old self and is willing to take steps to regain what I have lost.
I will not back down.
I am just taking back what was once taken away from me.
My smile.
But today I take courage to share a part of it. A part of my inner soul and the pain I have endured for the past year. 2011 was a moment of transition. I hope after relieving all these memories it will help me to focus and keep track on what I'm supposed to be doing.
These were a few of my random thoughts that tickled my mind..
It hurts so much. I am in deep pain. Thank you Lord. As weird as it seems I am thanking you for making me hurt this much.
-December 2011
If I am preserving myself too much for him why can't he do the same for me?
-December 2010
I know she's a christian. I hate her but as a sister in Christ I should be forgiving. In a way I know, she is a nice person. It's just that, she's just not that nice to me right now. So help me to forgive her.
-January 2011
I am upset. Brokenhearted.. I am not feeling any love from anyone anymore (except for little old terry who loves me so much)..
-January 2011
Today I am back to my usual waiting. Waiting for the right man to come. To put it simply, HE was never meant for me.
-February 2011
The Lord Jesus Christ is the only one that can fulfill the desires of my heart. He is my one true love.- February 2011
Lord, i am just so furious. I want to give him pain but I know it will never do me good. So Father take away my pain and bitterness and turn it into something beautiful.
February 2011
I do the natural. You do the supernatural.
-March 2011
The Lord has promised my breakthrough. The Lord has promised my abundant life.
-March 2011
These guys made me smile inspite of my breaking heart.
-July 2011
Today like other days I was alone. But today unlike other days I was not hoping to be with anyone. Having my headphones on is enough to make me smile.
-July 2011
If today is just a dream it would be the most wonderful of all the dreams.
-November 2011
Who says fandom can't cure heartaches? I beg to disagree.
-November 2011
God intended these things to happen. I may not like it but it's ALL worth it.
-December 2011
People will start to ask about my age and I will just laugh. It doesn't bother me anymore. I can be the best of what I am whatever age I may be.
-December 2011
and in conclusion to my blog archives here's one from 2012..
I had always lived up to my name. My name means God is gracious and my life has been a turn of events that leads me to give graciousness and forgiveness.
-January 2012
It feels weird reading simple sentences and putting them up together having a brief summary of my year. From deep s*** to unbelievably good high spirits. From smiling to laughing. It has been an awesome year. Nothing I expected since I never planned anything anyway (LOL). I am now (I assume I am) back to my old self and is willing to take steps to regain what I have lost.
I will not back down.
I am just taking back what was once taken away from me.
My smile.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Stop Doubting Yourself
WORD FOR THE DAY (NEW ZEALAND RHEMA)
'...Draw your strength from Him...' Ephesians 6:10 AMP
Don't be surprised when God calls you to step out in faith and do something you don't feel qualified to do. That tends to be His standard operating procedure. He does it so that you will lean more on Him, and less on yourself. Does that mean you won't make mistakes? No, it means you probably will. But instead of being discouraged, you'll see them as part of the learning curve and go on to greater things.
Often we look at a task and think, 'There's no way I can do that.' Hold on there; you're looking through the wrong end of the telescope! You're looking at yourself instead of God. When God called Joshua to take the place of Moses, He promised Him, '...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you...' (Joshua 1:5 NKJV). Now if God promises to be with you - and He does - then that is all you need. His strength is actually showcased through your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Whatever ingredients you lack in the natural realm, you can withdraw from your account in the spiritual realm: 'Be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides].' What kind of might is available to you? Boundless might! And where do you draw it from? The ultimate source - God!
You are empowered and equipped as you work with Him, so stop selling yourself short. Armed with His might you have more capabilities than you think, and you are able to do a lot more than you've done in the past. So put your confidence in God and stop doubting yourself.
>>>>>>>
REFLECTION:
It has been a while since I posted an online devotion. It is a timely topic in my life since I have been doubting about myself (a lot) lately. Is it the lack of self confidence or the mere stupidity that I don't want to move my feet and move on with the endless possibilities on what I could be? I wonder, I plan, I pray but I need to move. The main hindrance of my actions are my doubts. The worry of not being able to attain what I promised or what they promised to offer in return. I worry that I might disappoint or I might get disappointed. But then again, I have to remind myself, LIFE IS ABOUT TAKING RISKS and TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF IT!
I am reminded that with my abilities I can do nothing. I am worthless, incompetent and unqualified. My doubts reveal my actions. I should be confident that as a daughter favored by God, He will graciously give me the desires of my heart. I remember a part of Luke 6:38 <"A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap."> I believe God is my Father that desires to give me this kind of blessing. Not because I deserve it (because I don't) but because I am His OWN, and He LOVES me more than I could imagine.
God is WITH ME and HE MEANS IT!
Doubting myself means I am not trusting on God's purpose in my life. I may not like what I see in my life right now but WHAT DO I KNOW? I vision is short and full of anxiety. God's vision is full of promise and blessings.
I doubt myself. I doubt the future ahead of me. Today I am reminded that whatever happens I should hold on to God's promise that He will be with me NO MATTER WHAT.
God knows what He's doing. He has great plans for my life. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 -life verse)
'...Draw your strength from Him...' Ephesians 6:10 AMP
Don't be surprised when God calls you to step out in faith and do something you don't feel qualified to do. That tends to be His standard operating procedure. He does it so that you will lean more on Him, and less on yourself. Does that mean you won't make mistakes? No, it means you probably will. But instead of being discouraged, you'll see them as part of the learning curve and go on to greater things.
Often we look at a task and think, 'There's no way I can do that.' Hold on there; you're looking through the wrong end of the telescope! You're looking at yourself instead of God. When God called Joshua to take the place of Moses, He promised Him, '...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you...' (Joshua 1:5 NKJV). Now if God promises to be with you - and He does - then that is all you need. His strength is actually showcased through your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Whatever ingredients you lack in the natural realm, you can withdraw from your account in the spiritual realm: 'Be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides].' What kind of might is available to you? Boundless might! And where do you draw it from? The ultimate source - God!
You are empowered and equipped as you work with Him, so stop selling yourself short. Armed with His might you have more capabilities than you think, and you are able to do a lot more than you've done in the past. So put your confidence in God and stop doubting yourself.
>>>>>>>
REFLECTION:
It has been a while since I posted an online devotion. It is a timely topic in my life since I have been doubting about myself (a lot) lately. Is it the lack of self confidence or the mere stupidity that I don't want to move my feet and move on with the endless possibilities on what I could be? I wonder, I plan, I pray but I need to move. The main hindrance of my actions are my doubts. The worry of not being able to attain what I promised or what they promised to offer in return. I worry that I might disappoint or I might get disappointed. But then again, I have to remind myself, LIFE IS ABOUT TAKING RISKS and TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF IT!
I am reminded that with my abilities I can do nothing. I am worthless, incompetent and unqualified. My doubts reveal my actions. I should be confident that as a daughter favored by God, He will graciously give me the desires of my heart. I remember a part of Luke 6:38 <"A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap."> I believe God is my Father that desires to give me this kind of blessing. Not because I deserve it (because I don't) but because I am His OWN, and He LOVES me more than I could imagine.
God is WITH ME and HE MEANS IT!
Doubting myself means I am not trusting on God's purpose in my life. I may not like what I see in my life right now but WHAT DO I KNOW? I vision is short and full of anxiety. God's vision is full of promise and blessings.
I doubt myself. I doubt the future ahead of me. Today I am reminded that whatever happens I should hold on to God's promise that He will be with me NO MATTER WHAT.
God knows what He's doing. He has great plans for my life. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 -life verse)
Saturday, January 28, 2012
an interesting video
For once I believe in these words..
Words like Disney disillusioned us into something which is not true. - I am in every way a believer of happy endings and reality is far out from the movies.
It is not the LOVE that sustains the promise BUT the PROMISE sustains the love. - I particularly liked this line because I believe in commitment and being faithful to your chosen partner. We often say til death do us part, but does it only means when the love goes away?.
Love is an interesting thing, and in the end, it is God who wills us to have that kind of love and story in our lives. Yes, not is not a happily ever after all.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Strengthen Your Faith
DEVOTIONALS: JANUARY 8, 2012 Sunday
Word For Today
"You gave me room when I was in distress" - Psalm 4:1
When God wants to make you a bigger person, He does it through distress.
MUSCLES- to build them you must LIFT MORE WEIGHT!
Our FAITH is the same way.
I MUST EXERCISE MY FAITH.
Faith not used or enhanced doesn't build up but slowly weakens.
Satans main TARGET is MY FAITH. He wants to separate me from my faith.
The way to exercise faith is to know how to deal with our attitude at times of attack, how to think if we are under attack, and to understand the battle that we are in.
Satan may attack me in my lowest and weakest point but how I handle the situation, how I rely on God and how I exercise my faith in these kind of times matter.
Word For Today
"You gave me room when I was in distress" - Psalm 4:1
When God wants to make you a bigger person, He does it through distress.
MUSCLES- to build them you must LIFT MORE WEIGHT!
Our FAITH is the same way.
I MUST EXERCISE MY FAITH.
Faith not used or enhanced doesn't build up but slowly weakens.
Satans main TARGET is MY FAITH. He wants to separate me from my faith.
The way to exercise faith is to know how to deal with our attitude at times of attack, how to think if we are under attack, and to understand the battle that we are in.
Satan may attack me in my lowest and weakest point but how I handle the situation, how I rely on God and how I exercise my faith in these kind of times matter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)