I Wish

What are my hearts desires?

What do I really want in life?

Where do I go from here?

These are the questions swirling on my head today.

To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.

Still.

There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?

I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.

I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.

I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.

I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.

My only dream is to be with Jesus.

I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.

I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.

I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?

It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?

To be a vet?

To be a writer?

To travel?

To praise God?

I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.

I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.

I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *

I don’t want to settle.

I don’t want to stay like this forever.

I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.

I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.

But I am a coward.

My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.

And what now?

What do I do now?

I told you.

My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.

I wish I did well.

I wish.

I wish.

Lately.

Lately I am not satisfied with a couple of blogs I am posting. I try to be rational and not let petty things get to me but as I read them out again it sounded like a rant of some sort that people doesn't deserve from me. They are not to blame. I guess I just have an attitude problem of stereotyping (which is different from discrimination) and resentment (oh such a strong word). I wish to go backpacking but opt out the idea because I have nowhere to go in the first place.

Pity.

For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).

As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.

The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.

I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.

I used to be thankful.

I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.

I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.

I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.

Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.

I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?

In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.


Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.

God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.

"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."

Forgive. Pray. Love.

I am praying earnestly.

These past few days had been dragging. Making me sluggish and a bit drained from all the thinking. The loathing I had for people who made me feel inferior. I used to believe it's alright to be pushed over to the side and close my eyes from all the inconsistencies of this world. I no longer feel that way. I want to hate.

This person who prays and begs God for revival, for a renewed heart is struggling to find peace. As my workmate puts it into words it is my "loopy mechanism" (supposed to be coping mechanism). Yes, I want to hate.

I prefer to run than to hate. I would rather dodge the ball and not look back than to hate. I will favor to be called crazy than to hate. But for now, let me hate. Let me be unforgiving for one second. Let me rant. Let me say things I would rather keep to myself. For I could no longer keep my silence.

But you know what's funny? As soon as I decided to let it go, to let the anger that lingered burst out, a gentle tap in the back made me stop in the tracks. It came as a word, a devotion, a quiet time as people most often call it. Sometimes it is out of habit that I do my devotions. A lingering feeling of doing it first before anything else. A word of God to help me get through the day. To smile despite the bitter lemons of my juicy life.

It is not an obligation or a habit but an essential thing in my life. As if I couldn't breathe. More important than air, better than coffee, more filling than cereals or toast. It's as if I couldn't function without God's instruction and I realize that is how it should be.

Back to my "HATING" issue. I am appalled by this person and her family. I wish not to roll my eyes (but I did), it is just pure hate. I have learned to forgive her but she keeps on stabbing the same wound. As I have mentioned in my older blogs (ok a 5 year old blog for that matter) I have an issue about wound healing and scars. I deliberately explained how scientifically and spiritually wounds heal.

I am a person of forgiving instincts, too forgiving for my own benefit. Lately my heart had been hardened. I know I have said this once. "I forgive not because the person who hurt me deserves it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what God wants me to do and I’m actually ok with it."

I sigh.

Is it really? Is it ok with me?

I argued with God. Asking how unfair life is. People should be punished! The thoughts were never ending but in the end I got tired from being angry, from being hurt. I no longer wanted to be the victim. I want to forgive. (facepalm)

It is hard to look forward for tomorrow seeing gray skies. How can I trust if God truly love me if the mess I am in doesn't change? Is he still listening to my prayers? How can I rely on God for help when He doesn't seem to do anything when it gets hard? I mean He could have kept Joseph out of prison (but he didn't), stopped Daniel being thrown into a den of lions (but never did), or made sure Paul wasn't shipwrecked (but happened anyway).

The bigger picture.

Take a closer look.

As a result of near-death experiences, they got to know God more and the result was that they impacted the world around them. I have realize that with God, best moments will often follow the worst times.

I pray for a change of heart.

I pray not to hate.

I pray that I will no longer look down at myself and think I am the victim.

I will not hate.

I joked a good friend of mine last night saying, "I will probably punch their guts with prayers and give them a roundhouse kick of love. Let me see how they will counter attack that!"

Who says loving the unlovable is easy?

If it's easy everyone can do it.

Forgive.

Pray.

Love.



Notes: Word for the day devotionals and old blog excerpts included in this blog.

I salute you.

A few days ago an interesting discussion occurred inside our lab. The bottom of the heated debate is this..

"Why am I getting married? It doesn't change anything between us."

To be honest I am not surprised that a lot of people think this way. That marriage is overrated and an expensive way to tell the world about the other person you are dating.If you love each other you will date and eventually have sex. It is pleasing a man made rule which we call religion. Marriage is a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything.

I heard I lot of these talk nowadays. That people choose to live together but not get married. Why bother? Either one is already married in the past and it didn't worked out or they choose not to be married mainly because it is more convenient in the budget. (what budget?) What if one day they wake up realizing they no longer love the other person? Not being married means there is no strings attached.

I may get it wrong for I have seen people who are not married but are more devoted and COMMITTED to their partners. Often married people are more miserable, the responsibility and expectations of society is upgraded, and a breakup is a social commotion. You don't get all the drama if you just stay together and live like married people except signing the papers. Easier, right?

In the same way I bow my head to people who chooses to do otherwise. To make vows in front of the church and society that they WANT to be faithful and committed to the other person they are holding hands with. Not a spur of a moment thing but a life changing decision that they wish to fulfill the rest of their lives. Marriage, for me, is not just a contract but a promise made to God. To be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, til death. Be together even if the other one changes or doesn't change. Be strong in spite of weakness and celebrate in greatest victories. Marriage is thinking the welfare of the other more of their own.

God has often said that the church is His bride. He will take care of the church. Give all its needs despite of being cranky sometimes. He will be patient and show compassion, kindness, be slow to anger and be forgiving, to love at all time. Being married to the church means He will die for the church and save it from any harm. Marriage in God's vocabulary is servanthood and self sacrifice.

At the back of my mind it could have been good being together with someone but isn't it more beautiful to be loved in such a way that He/She promises to take care of you more than their life? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is not just an oath. It is a way of life you choose to take. To be responsible for another person than your own.

I may never know the best things marriage can offer (let the best people tell you about that.. ^_^) but I know one thing is for sure. Why will I settle for something that society thinks is cool if I can have the real deal? Isn't NOT being married just an excuse?

People are having casual sex anyway, right? (well that's another topic to discuss) but then again, it is far more beautiful shared inside the sanctity of marriage. I have heard, I have seen, I have known. Believe me things are beautiful in it's own time. Marriage will always be better than partnership. Love is always greater than lust. Inviting God inside a relationship (through marriage) will always be the best choice.

Why I am Not Married.

It is a question asked by a lot of people. I am 27 (of age) and typically in the bracket of marrying. A lot of the people I know and grew up with are happily married or engaged. They have kids, a happily ever fairy tale partner and a white picket fence to secure everything.

It never occurred to me that at this age I would still be living at home eating pancakes and cookies. So coming back to the topic, why am I not married?

Various reasons and excuses will come into mind so I will try to define everything one by one for the benefit of my sister (Joi) who’s trying to ask me this question earlier.

1. Marriage is not a priority– I know this may sound as a lame excuse but sorting out my life, my career and what I wanted to do comes into mind. I believe I can have the same freedom in marriage but I have no confidence that I will commit myself with the same focus as I have today. Being single is liberating. It gives me enormous time to make mistakes and become more radical.

2. My financial stability – I am not confident for a series of responsibility like paying bills, rent and buying diapers. As I have just said, my career is yet to come. I am in a moment of transition wherein I have no means to support another person. As a woman, with a Filipino cultural background, I have been told that the man is the one who buys the bread and butter. I have believed it at some point but it doesn’t mean I will sit down and not do anything to save and become useful. I am most happy to share the burden and compromise. At this point of time, I may not be very cooperative in compromising.

3. God says I am not ready. – This is simple, direct and true. I am single because God designed my timeline in such a way that I should grow in Him first before anything else. I guess people might call this maturity. The character to love and become unselfish for another person. Singleness doesn’t opt me out on becoming a great person but is preparing me to be considerate and kind.

4. Marriage is commitment. – I do not take marriage lightly. In our microwave generation, everything seems to be instant with the snap of our fingers. Our marriages nowadays are picture perfect Polaroid shots. It looks good, it feels right but the responsibility behind it is often overlooked.
Marriage has become an expectation or an escape. Either way, I am not doing it to please other people. The older generations expects a woman of my stature and age to be married and have kids but I beg to differ. Age will never be a determining factor in commitment.
In the same way, in my twisted opinion, having a baby is an excuse for marriage. I am not condemning people who did get married because of the kid but what I’m trying to say is that it shouldn’t be the reason. Divorce rate, legally or not are rampant in our society. Marriage is not the answer to life’s problems.
I am not saying that I am trying to dodge marriage because of my fear of commitment but it’s the other way around. I have a high esteem to commitment and loyalty therefore unless I see myself being drawn to such I will choose to abstain to anything that might feel good but not right.

There might be another thousand reasons why I (or other people my age) am not married. Whatever our reasons are I would like to point out that marriage doesn’t make you a complete person. Intimate connection to another person is essential to grow up and become mature but it doesn’t solely rely on one person inside the sanctity of marriage.

I would also like to point out that I am contented and happy the way things are right now. I would definitely not know how it feels to sleep at night with my beloved but being single doesn’t make me less happy than the rest of the world. I am responsible for my own level of happiness. If you are miserable being single, most likely you will be miserable married. Our response to life determines our state of mind.

Lastly, I am not married because I choose not be married. There is a time and place of everything under the sun. Getting married is easy such as signing a piece of paper and moving in with someone. But I choose not to because I believe I can do better than jump into the water and not know the consequences of my actions. I can blindly date and meet with people but I choose not to. As much as I believe that marriage is a decision, love in the same way, is a decision. At the moment my decision is to love God (alright maybe a bit of Micky here) and myself.


If marriage is a season for celebration, isn’t singleness the preparatory jamboree? ^_^

Reading my old blogs

I can feel tears starting to well up in my eyes as I think of the past. For the past hour I have been reading a series of my old feelings through my blog. That blog used to be open to the public but for personal reasons I choose to hide. Feelings were clearly written on the archives of that blog and it scares me to know that people will start to know how I think.

But today I take courage to share a part of it. A part of my inner soul and the pain I have endured for the past year. 2011 was a moment of transition. I hope after relieving all these memories it will help me to focus and keep track on what I'm supposed to be doing.

These were a few of my random thoughts that tickled my mind..

It hurts so much. I am in deep pain. Thank you Lord. As weird as it seems I am thanking you for making me hurt this much.

-December 2011

If I am preserving myself too much for him why can't he do the same for me?

-December 2010

I know she's a christian. I hate her but as a sister in Christ I should be forgiving. In a way I know, she is a nice person. It's just that, she's just not that nice to me right now. So help me to forgive her.

-January 2011

I am upset. Brokenhearted.. I am not feeling any love from anyone anymore (except for little old terry who loves me so much)..

-January 2011

Today I am back to my usual waiting. Waiting for the right man to come. To put it simply, HE was never meant for me.

-February 2011

The Lord Jesus Christ is the only one that can fulfill the desires of my heart. He is my one true love.

- February 2011

Lord, i am just so furious. I want to give him pain but I know it will never do me good. So Father take away my pain and bitterness and turn it into something beautiful.

February 2011

I do the natural. You do the supernatural.

-March 2011

The Lord has promised my breakthrough. The Lord has promised my abundant life.

-March 2011

These guys made me smile inspite of my breaking heart.

-July 2011

Today like other days I was alone. But today unlike other days I was not hoping to be with anyone. Having my headphones on is enough to make me smile.

-July 2011

If today is just a dream it would be the most wonderful of all the dreams.

-November 2011

Who says fandom can't cure heartaches? I beg to disagree.

-November 2011

God intended these things to happen. I may not like it but it's ALL worth it.

-December 2011

People will start to ask about my age and I will just laugh. It doesn't bother me anymore. I can be the best of what I am whatever age I may be.

-December 2011

and in conclusion to my blog archives here's one from 2012..

I had always lived up to my name. My name means God is gracious and my life has been a turn of events that leads me to give graciousness and forgiveness.

-January 2012

It feels weird reading simple sentences and putting them up together having a brief summary of my year. From deep s*** to unbelievably good high spirits. From smiling to laughing. It has been an awesome year. Nothing I expected since I never planned anything anyway (LOL). I am now (I assume I am) back to my old self and is willing to take steps to regain what I have lost.

I will not back down.

I am just taking back what was once taken away from me.

My smile.

Stop Doubting Yourself

WORD FOR THE DAY (NEW ZEALAND RHEMA)


'...Draw your strength from Him...' Ephesians 6:10 AMP

Don't be surprised when God calls you to step out in faith and do something you don't feel qualified to do. That tends to be His standard operating procedure. He does it so that you will lean more on Him, and less on yourself. Does that mean you won't make mistakes? No, it means you probably will. But instead of being discouraged, you'll see them as part of the learning curve and go on to greater things.

Often we look at a task and think, 'There's no way I can do that.' Hold on there; you're looking through the wrong end of the telescope! You're looking at yourself instead of God. When God called Joshua to take the place of Moses, He promised Him, '...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you...' (Joshua 1:5 NKJV). Now if God promises to be with you - and He does - then that is all you need. His strength is actually showcased through your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Whatever ingredients you lack in the natural realm, you can withdraw from your account in the spiritual realm: 'Be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides].' What kind of might is available to you? Boundless might! And where do you draw it from? The ultimate source - God!

You are empowered and equipped as you work with Him, so stop selling yourself short. Armed with His might you have more capabilities than you think, and you are able to do a lot more than you've done in the past. So put your confidence in God and stop doubting yourself.


>>>>>>>

REFLECTION:

It has been a while since I posted an online devotion. It is a timely topic in my life since I have been doubting about myself (a lot) lately. Is it the lack of self confidence or the mere stupidity that I don't want to move my feet and move on with the endless possibilities on what I could be? I wonder, I plan, I pray but I need to move. The main hindrance of my actions are my doubts. The worry of not being able to attain what I promised or what they promised to offer in return. I worry that I might disappoint or I might get disappointed. But then again, I have to remind myself, LIFE IS ABOUT TAKING RISKS and TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF IT!

I am reminded that with my abilities I can do nothing. I am worthless, incompetent and unqualified. My doubts reveal my actions. I should be confident that as a daughter favored by God, He will graciously give me the desires of my heart. I remember a part of Luke 6:38 <"A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap."> I believe God is my Father that desires to give me this kind of blessing. Not because I deserve it (because I don't) but because I am His OWN, and He LOVES me more than I could imagine.

God is WITH ME and HE MEANS IT!

Doubting myself means I am not trusting on God's purpose in my life. I may not like what I see in my life right now but WHAT DO I KNOW? I vision is short and full of anxiety. God's vision is full of promise and blessings.

I doubt myself. I doubt the future ahead of me. Today I am reminded that whatever happens I should hold on to God's promise that He will be with me NO MATTER WHAT.

God knows what He's doing. He has great plans for my life. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 -life verse)

an interesting video

For once I believe in these words..

Words like Disney disillusioned us into something which is not true. - I am in every way a believer of happy endings and reality is far out from the movies.

It is not the LOVE that sustains the promise BUT the PROMISE sustains the love. - I particularly liked this line because I believe in commitment and being faithful to your chosen partner. We often say til death do us part, but does it only means when the love goes away?.

Love is an interesting thing, and in the end, it is God who wills us to have that kind of love and story in our lives. Yes, not is not a happily ever after all.

Strengthen Your Faith

DEVOTIONALS: JANUARY 8, 2012 Sunday
Word For Today


"You gave me room when I was in distress" - Psalm 4:1

When God wants to make you a bigger person, He does it through distress.

MUSCLES- to build them you must LIFT MORE WEIGHT!

Our FAITH is the same way.

I MUST EXERCISE MY FAITH.

Faith not used or enhanced doesn't build up but slowly weakens.

Satans main TARGET is MY FAITH. He wants to separate me from my faith.

The way to exercise faith is to know how to deal with our attitude at times of attack, how to think if we are under attack, and to understand the battle that we are in.

Satan may attack me in my lowest and weakest point but how I handle the situation, how I rely on God and how I exercise my faith in these kind of times matter.

*fists up in the air*

THIS YEAR, Launch OUT

NOTE: DEVOTIONS

"launch out to the deep and let down your nets for a catch." -Luke 5:4

Mediocrity - the best of the worst and the worst of the best.
- ordinary, nothing special

Do I want my life to continue living in mediocrity?

- It is true that I have been quite competitive and had various dreams in the past but I have realized that as I got older my life seems to go downhill towards mediocrity. Ordinary is alright but that's how good as it gets.. Alright.

I want to be willing to leave the safety of where I am right now. I am comfortable, ordinary and safe. It doesn't make sense for the likes of me.

Hellen Keller once said, "Security is a myth. The reason we don't experience i is because it doesn't exist. Avoiding danger or failure is no safer in the long run than out-right risk. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all."

Launching OUT means setting goals, establishing a plan to reach them, and becoming accountable.

Launching OUT means staying in sync with God's will, confronting fears and discovering rewards that lie on the other side of them. It demands looking in the mirror, and respecting or correcting what you're becoming.

It is devoting your life to something greater than yourself, even when others don't understand.

This new year:
1. Recall God's goodness for the past year.
2. Learn and correct past Mistakes.
3. Pray for God's will for my life.
4. Set Goals.
5. Establish a Plan
6. Be accountable.
7. Get out of the boat (my comfort zone)
8. Trust God.
9. Launch OUT
10. Don't look back!!


In a way, I have lost my sense of direction the past 2 or 3 years. I have no time for regrets now. I want my life back. God is not finished with me yet. I may have put my life on hold. Kept on waiting, I sat there in wishful thinking that things will eventually fall into place. But I want CHANGE and that means I have to change a part of me (or maybe all of me) to achieve God's purpose in my life.

I will claim my life back. I will claim God's victory over y life.

Things will change. I may be a person who is full of fear but I don't want that anymore. It's time to fight back and claim what's mine. My destiny, God's favor, God's purpose in my life.

2012 means:

I will Launch Out into the DEEP ad Let down my NETS for a catch!!