Forgive. Pray. Love.

I am praying earnestly.

These past few days had been dragging. Making me sluggish and a bit drained from all the thinking. The loathing I had for people who made me feel inferior. I used to believe it's alright to be pushed over to the side and close my eyes from all the inconsistencies of this world. I no longer feel that way. I want to hate.

This person who prays and begs God for revival, for a renewed heart is struggling to find peace. As my workmate puts it into words it is my "loopy mechanism" (supposed to be coping mechanism). Yes, I want to hate.

I prefer to run than to hate. I would rather dodge the ball and not look back than to hate. I will favor to be called crazy than to hate. But for now, let me hate. Let me be unforgiving for one second. Let me rant. Let me say things I would rather keep to myself. For I could no longer keep my silence.

But you know what's funny? As soon as I decided to let it go, to let the anger that lingered burst out, a gentle tap in the back made me stop in the tracks. It came as a word, a devotion, a quiet time as people most often call it. Sometimes it is out of habit that I do my devotions. A lingering feeling of doing it first before anything else. A word of God to help me get through the day. To smile despite the bitter lemons of my juicy life.

It is not an obligation or a habit but an essential thing in my life. As if I couldn't breathe. More important than air, better than coffee, more filling than cereals or toast. It's as if I couldn't function without God's instruction and I realize that is how it should be.

Back to my "HATING" issue. I am appalled by this person and her family. I wish not to roll my eyes (but I did), it is just pure hate. I have learned to forgive her but she keeps on stabbing the same wound. As I have mentioned in my older blogs (ok a 5 year old blog for that matter) I have an issue about wound healing and scars. I deliberately explained how scientifically and spiritually wounds heal.

I am a person of forgiving instincts, too forgiving for my own benefit. Lately my heart had been hardened. I know I have said this once. "I forgive not because the person who hurt me deserves it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what God wants me to do and I’m actually ok with it."

I sigh.

Is it really? Is it ok with me?

I argued with God. Asking how unfair life is. People should be punished! The thoughts were never ending but in the end I got tired from being angry, from being hurt. I no longer wanted to be the victim. I want to forgive. (facepalm)

It is hard to look forward for tomorrow seeing gray skies. How can I trust if God truly love me if the mess I am in doesn't change? Is he still listening to my prayers? How can I rely on God for help when He doesn't seem to do anything when it gets hard? I mean He could have kept Joseph out of prison (but he didn't), stopped Daniel being thrown into a den of lions (but never did), or made sure Paul wasn't shipwrecked (but happened anyway).

The bigger picture.

Take a closer look.

As a result of near-death experiences, they got to know God more and the result was that they impacted the world around them. I have realize that with God, best moments will often follow the worst times.

I pray for a change of heart.

I pray not to hate.

I pray that I will no longer look down at myself and think I am the victim.

I will not hate.

I joked a good friend of mine last night saying, "I will probably punch their guts with prayers and give them a roundhouse kick of love. Let me see how they will counter attack that!"

Who says loving the unlovable is easy?

If it's easy everyone can do it.

Forgive.

Pray.

Love.



Notes: Word for the day devotionals and old blog excerpts included in this blog.