Lately.

Lately I am not satisfied with a couple of blogs I am posting. I try to be rational and not let petty things get to me but as I read them out again it sounded like a rant of some sort that people doesn't deserve from me. They are not to blame. I guess I just have an attitude problem of stereotyping (which is different from discrimination) and resentment (oh such a strong word). I wish to go backpacking but opt out the idea because I have nowhere to go in the first place.

Pity.

For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).

As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.

The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.

I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.

I used to be thankful.

I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.

I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.

I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.

Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.

I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?

In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.


Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.

God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.

"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."