Cleaning and some Sneezing

"Give me this (mountain) that the Lord promised me." - Joshua 14:12

Cleaning up my mess will always be a chore. But it is also the time when I get to open up old journals, laugh at my old drawings, marvel how weird I was years back and throw away stuff I don't need anymore. It is clearing out not only my room but my past. I try not to hoard but it will never be easy to let go.

For years I have struggled with forgiveness not for another person but of myself. I regret a lot of things in my life. It is hard to admit but I am too hard on myself. A lot of people told me so. I beg to disagree that I am a perfectionist but that is besides the point. It seems like I always want to prove myself that I am worthy. That I can be accepted. I try too much to please I give out bad first impressions.

I have learned that no matter what I do I cannot control what people think of me. I do not owe anyone an explanation of why and how I do things. They have opinions and it takes too little to change that otherwise. If they like me good, if they don't I will not subject myself into a travesty believing they would magically become bestfriends with me. It just doesn't work that way.

In life we choose to throw away things that are not important, let go of people who will hurt us, and move on with positivity to achieve greatness. I have decided not to let myself be dragged down with self pity, guilt, and anger. I have decided to live happily "even" after, right?

Why did I include sneezing in the title? Aside from the fact that I get massive allergies from dust I have also realize that when you try to purge things out of your life it will give you a certain discomfort you wouldn't like. It will not be easy, it can make you ill but it has to be done.

These kind of things are worth it.

In conclusion, my sis Joi has suggested that instead of cooping inside the four walls of my room I should write again since I have a lot of pent up emotions. I never considered myself a good writer but true enough aside from all the grammatical and spelling errors I have always been a person who has a lot to say. I used to write ISCF corner in "the Pillar" back in the days. When I was young, stupid, reckless, has a loud voice especially when angry (as pau says, sorry na pau), and when I was focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I envy that same girl and how I wish I could dream like her. I am happy for what I have become, for people I have met and for circumstances that made me thick. I would never trade that.

Still, if there's one thing I would like to remind myself of, it is how stubborn I was on what I believe. I went out for things that are far beyond my capabilities. I believe in the power of one knee praying than none at all. I have great faith on an amazing God.

Cleaning up my mess made my life simpler. Sure, I'll be having a terrible night sleeping but tomorrow will be another day. And guess what? I will be waking up in a tidy room and endless possibilities.

Best Birthday so Far

I woke up dizzy this morning. Even before today I have been in a series of mini celebrations for my birthday. It's not my 18th or my 21st but it feels like I have only started appreciating my birthday as I got older.

Last Wednesday I received my first birthday gift. I got a scarf and a charm bracelet from Roop and Veronica! I soooo love it! The bracelet is so cute with a wishbone, four leaf clover and horseshoe. I feel so lucky already to have such an awesome gift.

It was my parents 31st anniversary too

Thursday, is practically my rest day. But I get to shop for some things I wanted to buy for myself. Joi gave me an awesome kathmandu bag.

 I got to get myself some hoodies, a dress,another bag (a girl always needs more bag) and a happiness journal.

Friday was amazing! I get to go with Dindin and Jowi to Taupo for some bungy jumping and cliffhanger swing. 

Jowi got her try of bungy jumping too. I didn't get to skydive because it was to windy I have to reschedule it on Sunday (tadah!my birthday). We got ourselves some sushi for lunch and hang out by the lake before going home. The bungy was a scary experience but well.. it was fun at the same time. I am just glad to have done it.


Saturday, me and a couple of people went for a hike to Wairere Falls. It was beautiful!! Just a great place to go to. The people with me who celebrated my pre-birthday were awesomer than awesome. We had a fab day in there. 

My mom gave me some Pajamas for my birthday in which I think are awesome gifts as well.

Sunday, my birthday, (today) I got to skydive back at Taupo with Joi. My dad drove and it was so nice to have someone drive us there since I have a massive headache after climbing that mountain (oh Lord, why?) But the skydiving was amazing! My skydiving instructor was Elad and I did some crazy things up there. I am such a wuzz.


After skydiving I was stung by a bee (which is a first) and my headache lessened. The pain in my right pinky is still here and it's still stiff. 

We went for a drive and I have to admit it was good fun too.

Adel and Ate Emie gave me hiking shoes and a bag (respectively). I am just sooooo..thrilled. huwaw.. db? 

The end of the day, I blew some candles over some macaroons and prayed for everyone who remembered. 

I am overwhelmed with the love people has shown me today. Important naman pala ako (hahaha).



The last thing I would like to do is to never forget and document things here. Thank you. Thank you for everyone. Thank you for friends, family and people who made me stronger to be such a bad ass chick (I have boasting rights as someone told me). And I thank God for allowing me to experience all this. I need this. The reassurance. The thrill. The pure enjoyment. The feelings of being loved despite of. I know not a lot of people like me. I don't care anymore. A few true people are enough and God showed me that kindness I have given to people in the past were never in vain. I may self pity every now and then but I am not alone. I care for them and that is what matters. God is well aware of my struggle to fit in and seek for approval but I don't need such things anymore. I do my best, sometimes more than what of expected from me. I want to surprise people that I can do it and more. This is the challenge for myself. The extremes are just a representation of what I have become. A person not afraid.. anymore..


-signing off
JO
^_^

nerve wrecking

I should go to sleep.

All my senses are trying to tell me "have some rest for you will need it tomorrow." But sleep is well aware of the fear inside my chest it wouldn't succumb to my plea.

I am afraid. No I am terrified.

I feel like a bloke of ice, frozen and petrified.

I have made a decision to face my fear. Hands sweating, feet cold, heart pumping scared out of my wits I am still going to do this. It is now or never.

I never expect to have this courage. I am a thrill seeker but at the same time I try to live cautiously. I want change and to prove to myself that I am not a wimp. That I  can stand on my own and do it. That I can overcome struggles and  be victorious. 

I have been reading John Elridge book "journey to desire" and I realized my desire to be a person who'll step up and step out. This is a "just do it" thing. 

Jumping is not the scary bit.It is the stomach lurching pain of knowing things will never be the same afterwards.

Lord, I pray to be safe. You are with me and I will not be afraid.