Nevertheless

I haven't been blogging lately not because I have nothing to say but because I wanted to keep the thoughts to myself and not share them to the world. I have come to a point where acknowledgement no longer matters. I would like to live simply and refuse drama and negativity.

Nevertheless, I would like to share a snippet of my thoughts today.

My day was intense. I went to bed around three in the morning trying my best to sort out Brian's cake. It was my fault for not sorting it out earlier, nevertheless, I might in the future fall into the same pit of procrastination only because I work too well under a lot of pressure. Also, a fail of swapping rosters for Info team when I suddenly realised the cake was needed around lunch time made my day stressful. I have doubts and my heart isn't there fully thinking of my later commitments within the day, nevertheless, God encountered me in such a way I needed to post a blog about it.

I am so caught up with my life that I am dismissing that ache within my heart. I am longing for something greater than me but I am afraid my time has already passed by. I am no longer qualified to dream and to accept these kind of blessings because I have failed miserably. What I have now is more than enough and God is already very gracious to me. I am not worthy of any of these. I have sinned. I have failed. The disappointments of my life will stay with me and eat me up until my last breath. My regrets are battle scars and my tears are mainstays.

Nevertheless, God reminded me that I do not need to be perfect to be loved. I do not need to change to dream. I do not need to do more than what I should to be accepted. The message this morning at Arise service by pastor Steve is about our life's nevertheless. We can and we will go through life with a lot of regrets but God comes in and sweeps us off our feet with his great promise of life and future.

He discussed jeremiag 33:2-9 and it impacted within me when he said, "you might be working too hard and waiting for a breakthrough, God wants you to know that he has a plan for you and nevertheless of your mistakes in the past God is going to use you mightily in a way that you don't even expect."

He also talked about Simon Peter and the fishermen that after a long day of trying to catch fish they didn't have any and Jesus asked them to lower their nets agains and try to fish. So nevertheless, the were tired and was asked by a carpenter to lower their nets even if they know better they still went for it. Can I be like that? Can i be despited of all the struggles to get here get back and try to lower my nets again? I am amazed how God is trying to encounter me every time I come to church lately as if reminding me of the dreams so hidden inside my heart.

My nevertheless will remain there I don't do anything about it. God made me this way to appreciate His great nevertheless in my life.

"God's the giver of life. For every dream that dies, a new one takes root. " 

                                                                                                          - Fame. Karen Kingsbury.



Everyone has problems.

The thing about problems is that someone needs to solve them. I have realised that instead of facing these problems head on I have been running away from them. I am terrified of failure, rejection and being stuck. All of which I am at the moment since I am not achieving anything but guilt, regret and endless agony about certain things that I can never have.

The past is long gone and shouldn't be an issue. Today is something I can deal with and the future, although uncertain is something to be excited about.

I might fail or I might overcome obstacles and succeed.
I might quit or I might pressed on with an unknown determination.
There will be road bumps but there will also be rest stations.
There will be detractors saying I can't do it but there might be encouragers who will tap me in the back and say it will be ok.

Life is not meant to be easy.
Life is meant to be live though.

There is a question ringing inside my head for the past few hours.  "What would you attempt to do if you knew it was impossible to fail?

What do I enjoy doing? What do I have to offer to someone?

Jesus is a problem solver.

He is the bread of life. He heals sickness and set free all who are devil possessed. He forgives, he teaches, he mentors, he leads, and he saves. Jesus got something people need.

Is there something that I can offer?

God created me because He has a great purpose. It is to solve something. I might be a solution of some sort into something I didn't expect.

My contribution to another person is my assignment. My assignment will always solve a problem.

Abraham was meant to go to promise land.
Joseph was immigrated to Egypt.
Moses was assigned to the Israelites.
David was meant to be king.
Jesus died in the cross for our sins.

People in the bible were always assigned in different assignments. Think of it as being an agent. I am sent to a mission possible with God's help. It will not be easy. It might take a long time. An agent knows why he is doing something. There is a purpose in his actions.

I must believe on my purpose.

This is it?

I have been waiting, praying and longing.

The journey is tedious and it feels like I am on the same spot. Missing something I never had. I am striving to become better, to attain my goal and finally have the chance for that "one big thing" that I have always wanted. And when I have thought that I had advanced, something will happen that will place me two steps backwards. I try so hard but it feels like I can never have it. Contentment is an understatement, it shouldn't even be a word.

Still, I waited. I tried. I prayed.

No answer.

At first I couldn't understand what God is trying to say.

The answer came unexpectedly. It became my god. My goal, that one thing I have been praying for so long is the same thing that is slowly killing my relationship with God. It became more important to me than anything else. I thought it will make me happy. If God permits me to have it, I will be happy but that happiness won't stay.

Striving for contentment is a sad reality.

My expectations for myself are high you could almost call me a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself.

I studied hard.

I strived from the bottom going up.

I saved wages.

I bought myself material things that I thought are essential.

Am I happy?

These things, no matter how important they may seem, fade away. These will give temporary happiness. I will go back and ask myself the same thing after I have achieved my goal. This is it?

I don't want to sound as if I am not thankful because I am VERY thankful of the things that I do have. I know some it I don't even deserve but sometimes there are little bumps in life that would leave you hanging and thinking. Is there more to life than this?

I promised myself to live "happily even after." Why is it so hard? I have no idea what my goals are anymore. What is my dream? What is my purpose? What is happening? Why do I have a lot of questions? Where is God? What is He doing? Does He still cares?

Yes, slowly my desires died. All these big things I wanted are not important anymore. At the end of the day I know I have it or not there will always be discontentment inside my heart if God doesn't permit my heart to be fulfilled.

"Is this it?" I know there is more to life than this! I just have to trust God and let nothing fills me up but HIM.