This is it?

I have been waiting, praying and longing.

The journey is tedious and it feels like I am on the same spot. Missing something I never had. I am striving to become better, to attain my goal and finally have the chance for that "one big thing" that I have always wanted. And when I have thought that I had advanced, something will happen that will place me two steps backwards. I try so hard but it feels like I can never have it. Contentment is an understatement, it shouldn't even be a word.

Still, I waited. I tried. I prayed.

No answer.

At first I couldn't understand what God is trying to say.

The answer came unexpectedly. It became my god. My goal, that one thing I have been praying for so long is the same thing that is slowly killing my relationship with God. It became more important to me than anything else. I thought it will make me happy. If God permits me to have it, I will be happy but that happiness won't stay.

Striving for contentment is a sad reality.

My expectations for myself are high you could almost call me a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself.

I studied hard.

I strived from the bottom going up.

I saved wages.

I bought myself material things that I thought are essential.

Am I happy?

These things, no matter how important they may seem, fade away. These will give temporary happiness. I will go back and ask myself the same thing after I have achieved my goal. This is it?

I don't want to sound as if I am not thankful because I am VERY thankful of the things that I do have. I know some it I don't even deserve but sometimes there are little bumps in life that would leave you hanging and thinking. Is there more to life than this?

I promised myself to live "happily even after." Why is it so hard? I have no idea what my goals are anymore. What is my dream? What is my purpose? What is happening? Why do I have a lot of questions? Where is God? What is He doing? Does He still cares?

Yes, slowly my desires died. All these big things I wanted are not important anymore. At the end of the day I know I have it or not there will always be discontentment inside my heart if God doesn't permit my heart to be fulfilled.

"Is this it?" I know there is more to life than this! I just have to trust God and let nothing fills me up but HIM.