Reading my old blogs

I can feel tears starting to well up in my eyes as I think of the past. For the past hour I have been reading a series of my old feelings through my blog. That blog used to be open to the public but for personal reasons I choose to hide. Feelings were clearly written on the archives of that blog and it scares me to know that people will start to know how I think.

But today I take courage to share a part of it. A part of my inner soul and the pain I have endured for the past year. 2011 was a moment of transition. I hope after relieving all these memories it will help me to focus and keep track on what I'm supposed to be doing.

These were a few of my random thoughts that tickled my mind..

It hurts so much. I am in deep pain. Thank you Lord. As weird as it seems I am thanking you for making me hurt this much.

-December 2011

If I am preserving myself too much for him why can't he do the same for me?

-December 2010

I know she's a christian. I hate her but as a sister in Christ I should be forgiving. In a way I know, she is a nice person. It's just that, she's just not that nice to me right now. So help me to forgive her.

-January 2011

I am upset. Brokenhearted.. I am not feeling any love from anyone anymore (except for little old terry who loves me so much)..

-January 2011

Today I am back to my usual waiting. Waiting for the right man to come. To put it simply, HE was never meant for me.

-February 2011

The Lord Jesus Christ is the only one that can fulfill the desires of my heart. He is my one true love.

- February 2011

Lord, i am just so furious. I want to give him pain but I know it will never do me good. So Father take away my pain and bitterness and turn it into something beautiful.

February 2011

I do the natural. You do the supernatural.

-March 2011

The Lord has promised my breakthrough. The Lord has promised my abundant life.

-March 2011

These guys made me smile inspite of my breaking heart.

-July 2011

Today like other days I was alone. But today unlike other days I was not hoping to be with anyone. Having my headphones on is enough to make me smile.

-July 2011

If today is just a dream it would be the most wonderful of all the dreams.

-November 2011

Who says fandom can't cure heartaches? I beg to disagree.

-November 2011

God intended these things to happen. I may not like it but it's ALL worth it.

-December 2011

People will start to ask about my age and I will just laugh. It doesn't bother me anymore. I can be the best of what I am whatever age I may be.

-December 2011

and in conclusion to my blog archives here's one from 2012..

I had always lived up to my name. My name means God is gracious and my life has been a turn of events that leads me to give graciousness and forgiveness.

-January 2012

It feels weird reading simple sentences and putting them up together having a brief summary of my year. From deep s*** to unbelievably good high spirits. From smiling to laughing. It has been an awesome year. Nothing I expected since I never planned anything anyway (LOL). I am now (I assume I am) back to my old self and is willing to take steps to regain what I have lost.

I will not back down.

I am just taking back what was once taken away from me.

My smile.