I Wish

What are my hearts desires?

What do I really want in life?

Where do I go from here?

These are the questions swirling on my head today.

To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.

Still.

There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?

I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.

I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.

I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.

I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.

My only dream is to be with Jesus.

I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.

I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.

I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?

It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?

To be a vet?

To be a writer?

To travel?

To praise God?

I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.

I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.

I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *

I don’t want to settle.

I don’t want to stay like this forever.

I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.

I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.

But I am a coward.

My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.

And what now?

What do I do now?

I told you.

My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.

I wish I did well.

I wish.

I wish.

Lately.

Lately I am not satisfied with a couple of blogs I am posting. I try to be rational and not let petty things get to me but as I read them out again it sounded like a rant of some sort that people doesn't deserve from me. They are not to blame. I guess I just have an attitude problem of stereotyping (which is different from discrimination) and resentment (oh such a strong word). I wish to go backpacking but opt out the idea because I have nowhere to go in the first place.

Pity.

For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).

As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.

The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.

I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.

I used to be thankful.

I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.

I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.

I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.

Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.

I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?

In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.


Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.

God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.

"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."

Forgive. Pray. Love.

I am praying earnestly.

These past few days had been dragging. Making me sluggish and a bit drained from all the thinking. The loathing I had for people who made me feel inferior. I used to believe it's alright to be pushed over to the side and close my eyes from all the inconsistencies of this world. I no longer feel that way. I want to hate.

This person who prays and begs God for revival, for a renewed heart is struggling to find peace. As my workmate puts it into words it is my "loopy mechanism" (supposed to be coping mechanism). Yes, I want to hate.

I prefer to run than to hate. I would rather dodge the ball and not look back than to hate. I will favor to be called crazy than to hate. But for now, let me hate. Let me be unforgiving for one second. Let me rant. Let me say things I would rather keep to myself. For I could no longer keep my silence.

But you know what's funny? As soon as I decided to let it go, to let the anger that lingered burst out, a gentle tap in the back made me stop in the tracks. It came as a word, a devotion, a quiet time as people most often call it. Sometimes it is out of habit that I do my devotions. A lingering feeling of doing it first before anything else. A word of God to help me get through the day. To smile despite the bitter lemons of my juicy life.

It is not an obligation or a habit but an essential thing in my life. As if I couldn't breathe. More important than air, better than coffee, more filling than cereals or toast. It's as if I couldn't function without God's instruction and I realize that is how it should be.

Back to my "HATING" issue. I am appalled by this person and her family. I wish not to roll my eyes (but I did), it is just pure hate. I have learned to forgive her but she keeps on stabbing the same wound. As I have mentioned in my older blogs (ok a 5 year old blog for that matter) I have an issue about wound healing and scars. I deliberately explained how scientifically and spiritually wounds heal.

I am a person of forgiving instincts, too forgiving for my own benefit. Lately my heart had been hardened. I know I have said this once. "I forgive not because the person who hurt me deserves it, but because it’s the right thing to do. It’s what God wants me to do and I’m actually ok with it."

I sigh.

Is it really? Is it ok with me?

I argued with God. Asking how unfair life is. People should be punished! The thoughts were never ending but in the end I got tired from being angry, from being hurt. I no longer wanted to be the victim. I want to forgive. (facepalm)

It is hard to look forward for tomorrow seeing gray skies. How can I trust if God truly love me if the mess I am in doesn't change? Is he still listening to my prayers? How can I rely on God for help when He doesn't seem to do anything when it gets hard? I mean He could have kept Joseph out of prison (but he didn't), stopped Daniel being thrown into a den of lions (but never did), or made sure Paul wasn't shipwrecked (but happened anyway).

The bigger picture.

Take a closer look.

As a result of near-death experiences, they got to know God more and the result was that they impacted the world around them. I have realize that with God, best moments will often follow the worst times.

I pray for a change of heart.

I pray not to hate.

I pray that I will no longer look down at myself and think I am the victim.

I will not hate.

I joked a good friend of mine last night saying, "I will probably punch their guts with prayers and give them a roundhouse kick of love. Let me see how they will counter attack that!"

Who says loving the unlovable is easy?

If it's easy everyone can do it.

Forgive.

Pray.

Love.



Notes: Word for the day devotionals and old blog excerpts included in this blog.

I salute you.

A few days ago an interesting discussion occurred inside our lab. The bottom of the heated debate is this..

"Why am I getting married? It doesn't change anything between us."

To be honest I am not surprised that a lot of people think this way. That marriage is overrated and an expensive way to tell the world about the other person you are dating.If you love each other you will date and eventually have sex. It is pleasing a man made rule which we call religion. Marriage is a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything.

I heard I lot of these talk nowadays. That people choose to live together but not get married. Why bother? Either one is already married in the past and it didn't worked out or they choose not to be married mainly because it is more convenient in the budget. (what budget?) What if one day they wake up realizing they no longer love the other person? Not being married means there is no strings attached.

I may get it wrong for I have seen people who are not married but are more devoted and COMMITTED to their partners. Often married people are more miserable, the responsibility and expectations of society is upgraded, and a breakup is a social commotion. You don't get all the drama if you just stay together and live like married people except signing the papers. Easier, right?

In the same way I bow my head to people who chooses to do otherwise. To make vows in front of the church and society that they WANT to be faithful and committed to the other person they are holding hands with. Not a spur of a moment thing but a life changing decision that they wish to fulfill the rest of their lives. Marriage, for me, is not just a contract but a promise made to God. To be together through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, til death. Be together even if the other one changes or doesn't change. Be strong in spite of weakness and celebrate in greatest victories. Marriage is thinking the welfare of the other more of their own.

God has often said that the church is His bride. He will take care of the church. Give all its needs despite of being cranky sometimes. He will be patient and show compassion, kindness, be slow to anger and be forgiving, to love at all time. Being married to the church means He will die for the church and save it from any harm. Marriage in God's vocabulary is servanthood and self sacrifice.

At the back of my mind it could have been good being together with someone but isn't it more beautiful to be loved in such a way that He/She promises to take care of you more than their life? Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is not just an oath. It is a way of life you choose to take. To be responsible for another person than your own.

I may never know the best things marriage can offer (let the best people tell you about that.. ^_^) but I know one thing is for sure. Why will I settle for something that society thinks is cool if I can have the real deal? Isn't NOT being married just an excuse?

People are having casual sex anyway, right? (well that's another topic to discuss) but then again, it is far more beautiful shared inside the sanctity of marriage. I have heard, I have seen, I have known. Believe me things are beautiful in it's own time. Marriage will always be better than partnership. Love is always greater than lust. Inviting God inside a relationship (through marriage) will always be the best choice.

Why I am Not Married.

It is a question asked by a lot of people. I am 27 (of age) and typically in the bracket of marrying. A lot of the people I know and grew up with are happily married or engaged. They have kids, a happily ever fairy tale partner and a white picket fence to secure everything.

It never occurred to me that at this age I would still be living at home eating pancakes and cookies. So coming back to the topic, why am I not married?

Various reasons and excuses will come into mind so I will try to define everything one by one for the benefit of my sister (Joi) who’s trying to ask me this question earlier.

1. Marriage is not a priority– I know this may sound as a lame excuse but sorting out my life, my career and what I wanted to do comes into mind. I believe I can have the same freedom in marriage but I have no confidence that I will commit myself with the same focus as I have today. Being single is liberating. It gives me enormous time to make mistakes and become more radical.

2. My financial stability – I am not confident for a series of responsibility like paying bills, rent and buying diapers. As I have just said, my career is yet to come. I am in a moment of transition wherein I have no means to support another person. As a woman, with a Filipino cultural background, I have been told that the man is the one who buys the bread and butter. I have believed it at some point but it doesn’t mean I will sit down and not do anything to save and become useful. I am most happy to share the burden and compromise. At this point of time, I may not be very cooperative in compromising.

3. God says I am not ready. – This is simple, direct and true. I am single because God designed my timeline in such a way that I should grow in Him first before anything else. I guess people might call this maturity. The character to love and become unselfish for another person. Singleness doesn’t opt me out on becoming a great person but is preparing me to be considerate and kind.

4. Marriage is commitment. – I do not take marriage lightly. In our microwave generation, everything seems to be instant with the snap of our fingers. Our marriages nowadays are picture perfect Polaroid shots. It looks good, it feels right but the responsibility behind it is often overlooked.
Marriage has become an expectation or an escape. Either way, I am not doing it to please other people. The older generations expects a woman of my stature and age to be married and have kids but I beg to differ. Age will never be a determining factor in commitment.
In the same way, in my twisted opinion, having a baby is an excuse for marriage. I am not condemning people who did get married because of the kid but what I’m trying to say is that it shouldn’t be the reason. Divorce rate, legally or not are rampant in our society. Marriage is not the answer to life’s problems.
I am not saying that I am trying to dodge marriage because of my fear of commitment but it’s the other way around. I have a high esteem to commitment and loyalty therefore unless I see myself being drawn to such I will choose to abstain to anything that might feel good but not right.

There might be another thousand reasons why I (or other people my age) am not married. Whatever our reasons are I would like to point out that marriage doesn’t make you a complete person. Intimate connection to another person is essential to grow up and become mature but it doesn’t solely rely on one person inside the sanctity of marriage.

I would also like to point out that I am contented and happy the way things are right now. I would definitely not know how it feels to sleep at night with my beloved but being single doesn’t make me less happy than the rest of the world. I am responsible for my own level of happiness. If you are miserable being single, most likely you will be miserable married. Our response to life determines our state of mind.

Lastly, I am not married because I choose not be married. There is a time and place of everything under the sun. Getting married is easy such as signing a piece of paper and moving in with someone. But I choose not to because I believe I can do better than jump into the water and not know the consequences of my actions. I can blindly date and meet with people but I choose not to. As much as I believe that marriage is a decision, love in the same way, is a decision. At the moment my decision is to love God (alright maybe a bit of Micky here) and myself.


If marriage is a season for celebration, isn’t singleness the preparatory jamboree? ^_^