Surviving the First Few days

This is my story.

My struggle as I conquer my greatest fear.

It is being left alone and rejected.

It didn't came with a warning. It came suddenly like a whirlwind that crushed my spirit and left my soul broken and bare. I wish I knew better but I didn't.

I sensed something but my commonsense trusted words which in the end turned out to be empty and fabricated. It was like trusting an ally in a heated battle only to find out in the end that he is the one who will shoot you straight to your death.

So how did I survived the first few days?

1. I allowed God to Hold me - more than ever.

I came to God full of questions. My mind filled with "WHY"S". I entered in Gods presence honestly with my tears, my rage, my grief, and my most bitter disappointments. And I can relate to Job when he said:

17 “What is mankind that you make so much of them,
that you give them so much attention,
18 that you examine them every morning
and test them every moment?
19 Will you never look away from me,
or let me alone even for an instant?
20 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
you who sees everything we do?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you?"

-Job 7:17-20 NIV
I questioned God but at the same time I trusted Him.In the midst of trouble God is the only hope I had. Even though I have no idea what was going on or what God plans to do, I held on to my faith.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11;28 NIV

2. I set aside a time to grieve.

Grieving is a dark valley. My pain was so chronic I had grown accustomed to it each passing day. I had pushed myself to positive response that I didn't allow myself to feel the pain. I tried too quickly to forgive and forget or rather felt that my suffering is too trivial. Numbing the pain didn't helped me.

So I cried. I cried like there was no tomorrow. The sorrow crept through me day and night and it consumed me like fire. It drowned me under the force of the storm. It was horrifying. The sight of me was unrecognizable . I allowed pain inside me and at the same time I also acknowledged Gods presence to hold me tight in my deepest agony. I realized that grieving honors what I've lost and professes what I never had.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4

3. I took deep breaths.

Going though difficult times I recognized I am most often taking shorter, shallow breaths. Sometimes I even caught myself holding my breath. It is painful not only because of the pain but most especially physically when my body isn't getting enough oxygen it needs. I took a breather. I went to Hamilton lake alone and took in some fresh air.

I am stressed. I am depressed. I am brokenhearted. I am in pain.

But at the same time I am blessed. I am redeemed. I am favored. I am saved.

The truth is, it is still a lingering dispute inside my heart. The healing and moving on process is still an ongoing journey. The Lord is merciful and gracious. I trust God even if I am uncertain. There are a lot of things I need to learn about letting go and letting God. But for now I'll curl up into a tiny ball and cry my heart out while being in the loving embrace of my God. After that I'll try to take a breather and take care of myself. This pain won't go on forever. This pain will soon be over. This pain is now surrendered under the cross.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3


December,2010