The beginning of the end

The final send off came in blur. One moment it was alright, the next thing I knew it was over. I've felt the indifference but I couldn't accept it.

This is my story.

My story starts at one ending.

There was pleading, and yes I sounded desperate. There was denial and it felt like a nightmare. There was anger, resentment and bitterness. I was depressed, confused and hurt. Yes, indeed, it was the end.

How I survived the last moments of our relationship I couldn't fully remember. All I knew at that time is that my heart, also, has died.

When it comes to break-ups everyone seems likely to have an opinion.
"Forget about it."
"There are other fish in the sea"
"You deserve better"
"It's his lost."
"Just get over it."

But how?

How do you get rid of the aweful kicked-in-the-stomach feeling? How do you begin again?

I'm in a journey of discovering the onset of my new life. But before I welcome the firstfruits of spring I must toil the hard land Of the past winter.

I am not an expert in moving on but I have a story. I have to admit it's not very engaging especially in the beginning. My story is about endings and sometimes it could be painful.

So where do I actually begin? Oh yes, I must begin with my ending.


*note: I'll be writing it tomorrow or on Friday. My mind is on hiatus that's why I could only come up with a few lame sentences. I would really like to share my diary and the lessons God taught me these past few months so whoever that's reading this hope you wouldn't be bored. =P

The man worth My Wait.

This girl has the same sentiments as me. So here she goes. She couldn't say it better.

An excerpt from I Will Wait For You by Janette..Ikz

I will no longer get weighed down,
From so-called friends & family talks,
About the concern for my biological clock
When I serve the Author of Time.
Who is NOT subject to time,
But I’M subject to Him.
He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…
So if we could role play,
You would be Abraham & I would be Sara
Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer

I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,
Made up of your rib Adam!
And once we meet, like electrons
I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.
We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.
We were all created in His image,
But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.
If I were to explain what you looked like,
You would have to look like a star,
A son of the Son..
I would gain energy simply from the light on me.
I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis
I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you.

I will know you…
Because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,
Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,
Your faith will remind me of Abraham,
Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,
Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,
Your heart for God will remind me of David,
Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,
Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,
And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples, But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, 'cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, where…
The boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.
Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,
Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.
I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

Walking on Water (1)

Wednesday, 27 April 2011
'...He walked on the water... to Jesus.'Matthew 14:29 NKJV

The disciples were out fishing one night when a huge storm struck. At about 3am they were terrified by a figure approaching them on the water. '...Immediately Jesus spoke... "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid"...Peter answered... "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You"...So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water... to Jesus' (Matthew 14:27-29 NKJV).

This story teaches us, first, that if the Lord doesn't call us to do it, don't! There's a story about a man standing at the gates of Heaven. Peter says, 'Name one great deed you've done.' The man replies, 'Well, a gang of bikers was threatening a woman so I smacked them, kicked over their bikes and ripped out their nose rings.' Impressed, Peter asks, 'When did this happen?' The man answers, 'About 30 seconds ago!' To walk on water you must learn to discern between God's voice and your own impulses.

Second, it teaches us that to experience miracles, we must get out of our comfort zone. Exchange places with Peter. The storm is raging and he's afraid. The boat's secure and comfortable. Wouldn't you want to stay there? But you can't. God designed you to do more than simply avoid failure; He's calling you to step out in faith and accomplish things. You say, 'What's my boat?' It's anything you put your faith in when life gets stormy, like a job or a relationship. Your boat is anything that stops you from getting out of your comfort zone. Leaving it is the scariest but most rewarding step you'll ever take!

***** Water Walking. The one important thing I have been learning lately. This lesson keeps on popping up like popcorns in my life. I think God wants me to do something and get out of my comfort zone. The thing is, there are so much that I am afraid of that I don't know where God is leading me. Because I have learned that there's a thin line between obedience and impulses. I want to know if it is God willing or not.

I am in my comfort zone right now. I am not embracing the truth and facing the people I should have had talked to a long time ago. It was stupid of me but fear kept on hanging my sleeves. I couldn't move forward if I do not settle the things of my past. I have had, in a sense, left behind a few things unnecessary for my growth (in God's direction and beautiful revelations). But still.. I am still inside the boat. I know I am. God is telling me I am. I want to get out of this boat. I want to do something. It is in my heart to walk in water.

Live Between the Steps

Monday, 25 April 2011
'This is the day the Lord has made...'Psalm 118:24 NKJV

There's a built-in danger in goal-setting. What is it? It's believing we'll only be happy when we reach those goals. We tell ourselves, 'When I graduate, get married, have children, own my own home', and so on, so we keep postponing life.

A university professor tells of being invited to speak at a military base and meeting a soldier named Ralph at the airport. After they introduced themselves they headed towards baggage claim. As they walked down the concourse Ralph kept disappearing, once to help an older woman whose suitcase had fallen open, once to lift up two toddlers so they could see Santa Claus, and again to give directions to someone who was lost. Each time he came back with a big smile on his face. 'Where did you learn to live like that?' the professor asked. 'Oh,' Ralph said, 'during the war, I guess.' Then he told the professor about his last tour of duty, how it was his job to detect mines, and how he watched his friends blown up before his eyes, one after another. 'I learned to live between steps,' he said. 'I never knew whether the next step would be my last, so I learned to get everything I could out of the moment between when I picked up my foot and put it down again. Every step I took was a whole new world, and I guess I've been living that way ever since.'

Ralph had it right! To get the most out of living we must live by the Scripture: 'This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.'


*** It's been while since I posted my devotions here it really felt revolting after quite sometime. I am saving a few pages of my journal because I haven't got enough time buying one these past few days. =P

There were some people who visited us this weekend from Whangarei whom are friends with my mother. I have never seen them before and they stayed for 2 nights in the house. I was just quite resentful at first because I have other plans but took it plainly before they got here. And this devotion reminded me that in every situation live faithfully and happily. Which I did. I am not sure about the other members of the family but I actually kind of like those people. They were nice when you get to know them. The reaching out part will always come from someone first.

Helping them in little ways, helping other people in some kind of way, is a bliss. When you know that you have done something to make another happy it is what we call living. I am merely living right now and I want to experience the fullness of God's joy through other people. I may never know when is my last breath. Last week I almost had a road accident. The almost part gives me chills but God's protection is so divine it didn't even happened (but thinking what could have been is awful). Living and letting others live is such a happy place. We are living in a battlefield of lost hopes, rejections, hurts and pains. The valleys are long and the nights dark. I have so much to learn about this but guess what? God is not finished with me yet and so He is with you..

Dear You

Dear You,

It is the first full moon of spring (Paschal full moon, as they call it) but here in the other side of the world we are enjoying the soft breeze of autumn. The moon is shining brightly, elegant and majestic as ever as it is cradled by the branches of trees in the darkness. My heart is once again captivated by the beauty of He who loves my soul.

Can you see it? Can you look at the moon and think about me wondering if we are both staring at the exquisite boast of nature? I wonder.

It could have been euphoric if you can only be with me right now. Inhaling the goodness of this very moment. But I will not choose to be with you now. Not because I am not thrilled of having you but because I am not ready for such greediness. You and I belong to Him and I can't wait to meet you in mutual exclusiveness. For now, my heart in utter exploration to the fullness of His love cannot accept such generosity of having you.

We can wait. We can always look at the moon separately every now and then. It is a usual reminder for me that wherever you are, we are always looking on the same side of the moon and to the ONE who made it so wonderful.

Love,

ME