Cleaning and some Sneezing

"Give me this (mountain) that the Lord promised me." - Joshua 14:12

Cleaning up my mess will always be a chore. But it is also the time when I get to open up old journals, laugh at my old drawings, marvel how weird I was years back and throw away stuff I don't need anymore. It is clearing out not only my room but my past. I try not to hoard but it will never be easy to let go.

For years I have struggled with forgiveness not for another person but of myself. I regret a lot of things in my life. It is hard to admit but I am too hard on myself. A lot of people told me so. I beg to disagree that I am a perfectionist but that is besides the point. It seems like I always want to prove myself that I am worthy. That I can be accepted. I try too much to please I give out bad first impressions.

I have learned that no matter what I do I cannot control what people think of me. I do not owe anyone an explanation of why and how I do things. They have opinions and it takes too little to change that otherwise. If they like me good, if they don't I will not subject myself into a travesty believing they would magically become bestfriends with me. It just doesn't work that way.

In life we choose to throw away things that are not important, let go of people who will hurt us, and move on with positivity to achieve greatness. I have decided not to let myself be dragged down with self pity, guilt, and anger. I have decided to live happily "even" after, right?

Why did I include sneezing in the title? Aside from the fact that I get massive allergies from dust I have also realize that when you try to purge things out of your life it will give you a certain discomfort you wouldn't like. It will not be easy, it can make you ill but it has to be done.

These kind of things are worth it.

In conclusion, my sis Joi has suggested that instead of cooping inside the four walls of my room I should write again since I have a lot of pent up emotions. I never considered myself a good writer but true enough aside from all the grammatical and spelling errors I have always been a person who has a lot to say. I used to write ISCF corner in "the Pillar" back in the days. When I was young, stupid, reckless, has a loud voice especially when angry (as pau says, sorry na pau), and when I was focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I envy that same girl and how I wish I could dream like her. I am happy for what I have become, for people I have met and for circumstances that made me thick. I would never trade that.

Still, if there's one thing I would like to remind myself of, it is how stubborn I was on what I believe. I went out for things that are far beyond my capabilities. I believe in the power of one knee praying than none at all. I have great faith on an amazing God.

Cleaning up my mess made my life simpler. Sure, I'll be having a terrible night sleeping but tomorrow will be another day. And guess what? I will be waking up in a tidy room and endless possibilities.