What are my hearts desires?
What do I really want in life?
Where do I go from here?
These are the questions swirling on my head today.
To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.
Still.
There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?
I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.
I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.
I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.
I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.
My only dream is to be with Jesus.
I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.
I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.
I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?
It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?
To be a vet?
To be a writer?
To travel?
To praise God?
I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.
I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.
I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t want to stay like this forever.
I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.
I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.
But I am a coward.
My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.
And what now?
What do I do now?
I told you.
My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.
I wish I did well.
I wish.
I wish.
