My taglishness

There's nothing exciting happening in my life right now, aside from the fact that I am hugely engrossed with korean pop singers. Feeling highschool ang lolah mo!! I mean I don't get to hangout with a lot of people lately. Kulong sa bahay, naglalaro ng dota at nakikipagusap sa mga teenager sa internet!? Mukang akong phedophile. Good thing those people in the internet were almost all girls(almost thinking there is someone taking an alias like me). Out of boredom I let myself be swept away by the illusion that things will fall into place.

I am being a procastinator lately. I am very well aware of that.

Things I should have done a long time ago, nakabitin pa din sa ere. I totally hate myself for being such a slacker but I am not doing anything about it either. Bakit nga ba???

I know I am a terrible liar. Sa totoo lang matatakot ako!!

I am afraid that after all the effort nothing will take place. Tama si Joi nun isang araw (lagi namang tama si Joi lately..)I am being like this because I am one of those people who are afraid to fail.

I want to make it right but everything is a mess now and I don't even know whwere to start. I am so afraid that if I try again, I mean start over again, mauwi nnmn ulit lahat sa wala. That's why i'm being taglish today.

I am either hot or cold.

Which is actually a bad thing..

Ngayon I am undeniably a nutcase to say that I'm alright. I get to be so numb na kasi. Like feelings were invisible parts of my existence. Alam mo un? Un feeling na hindi ka ok pero deep inside masaya ka naman. People always say it is because I have God in my life. (yes it is true. But there is something different to me nowadays and sometimes I don't like it but I makes me feel nice and warm.

O wag magisip ng hentai.

My eyes were open to another side of immature writing. I mean who would have thought na magtatary ako magsulat talaga ng nobela. I did made a fanfic years back with my senpai ellen and it made me the happiest those days. I am actually trying to make the same concept today so i tried working on it Nd found my willing victims in the form of dbsk/tvxq/jyj/homin. Whatever you call them. Un obession ko sa prince of tennis years back, nilipat ko lng sa kanila.

It feels good to have inspiration again. ( in a way it is much better than the anime characters before kasi hallyu stars naman ngayon, in a sense I'm proud na nagmature ng konti ang sanity ko. Although I am still the same cranky, stubborn, unrealistic person that I am.)

I know I just hqve to write it down here. Kahit hindi edited. Kahit mali mali ang grammar, spelling at walang sense. Cause at the end of the day I know it makes sense to me. This is more like my freedom speech. Na sa wakas I can proudly say that even if I was left by my adoroble, lanky, handsome but boring ex boyfriend( I still did sound bitter? Hehe no Offense meant bhe.. You're awesome) i have practically moved on by being inlove with a probable person that doesn't even know that I exist.

Believe it or not I like this relationship better!!

No excuses. No lies. And he can date anyone he wants and I still love him all the same. It's not that I have given up with men and their stuff. But it is way better like this. (I am being sarcastic right now). The truth is I have developed a hating to that kind of species-men at the same time they are terribly cute!

Cge tama walang sense itong blog na ito. Rants. Rants.

What I am trying to say is - I am comfortBle right now being single and cute BUT I am also terrified at the fact that I am not doing anything better at this opportunity of being free.

Get's mo? Ako din eh mejo naguluhan.

Sayang ang time Joan! I always do great in everything I do lalo na when I put my focus unto things. So what happened? There is nothing happening in my life right now (but dbsk and tumblr) and I am not happy about it.

If God wanted me to do great things what kind of things should I do qnd prepare first?

Some answers I do know (yes the stubborn me would always try to wring out the opposite direction) but most of the time I am clueless.

What to do? What to do?

Writing in my ipod mainly because my laptop isn't working and I am not doing anything about it either (pretty annoying right?).

I am a procastinator.

Maybe I should start at making lists and goals. I haven't done that for a very long time.

Wait.

It's already 12am in the morning. Can I do my list tomorrow?(see what I'm saying?)

Being in a different land, speaking a different language: I am not brave enough to start all over again in here but I have no choice. I know I am better off than other people. In a way, I am very much thankful.

Still, the pain in my heart lingers.

Where do I go from here?

Kahit smile ni Yoochun hindi ako masagot.

Anyway, I have to sleep. Sana kahit sa panaginip parang si Joseph the dreamer ba sabihin sa akin ni Lord ang gagawin. Hehe. Oo na magbabasa ako ng bible, but one can always have immature wishes db? Eh, gusto ko maencounter si Lord sa dreams eh. Masama ba un? Hehe. In a way, I just hope to pass this phase of middle twenty dilemma. Drama ko tlaga, walang problema ndi gawa ng bored na utak.

Anyway, adios tacos!!

Magwrestling pa kami ni God sa panaginip.
I won't let go go unless you bless me!!!

Give Me Five Monday

Give Me Five People You would like to spend a day with:

Jung Yunho (I would like to marry this guy.. *pouts* of course I can't he's married)

Shim Changmin (Food? Who got more food to feed this guy? Don't let him shout)

Kim Junsu (Athletic, Angelic, Charisma, Cuteness,)

Kim Jaejoong (Sexy - *faints*)

Park Yoochun (one word = BIAS)

I think I don't need to explain it right? DBSK? ring a bell? I'm too much of a FAN. Forgive me for this post I know it is a bit awkward to write of my five crushes here (hey, old maids can have crushes too you know.)

This blog is about Life Lessons right? OOOppss. sorry I spammed my wrong blog. Anyway, I wish to post something soon too but these guys are keeping me occupied for a while so no write ups for me here.. *sobs* I'm too inspired to write (PARDON: I sing and dance when I'm inspired. I write when I'm off that happy mood.)

Give Me Five Monday

Give Me Five Places in the World You'd Like to Live for a Year

France
Japan
Korea
Kenya
China


meme blogger,
signed off..

Hand to Hold

My breathing is uneven and I am gasping for oxygen. I held unto something hoping it could be sturdy enough to support my almost lifeless self.

I am having nightmares again.

And I am fully aware of it.


My hand, all sweaty and done for, tried to gather all of its remaining strength to hoist myself up from falling the towering structure. I am definitely in the brink of giving up when suddenly another hand hold me up on the opposite end. That person tried to encourage me;

"I will not let you go."

"Believe in me."

"Trust me."

"Have faith in me."

"I will NEVER let go."

'Oh such sweet words,' I muttered to myself.

So I held tighter, timidly anticipating the worst but trusting otherwise. I began to feel that he had loosened a bit of my hand. As if he was weary himself. He couldn't be.

He promised.

'Don't let go of me,' I demanded under my breath, fearing my close encounter with death.

'I don't know anymore,' those were his words piercing my heart.

'What?' I asked mournfully at his change of mind.

'I'm not sure' he said. 'I think it's not worth it anymore.'

Then he let go of my hands.


I felt my feet jerked up from my bed.

I woke up.

Crying.

Definitely a nigthmare.

I felt numb as I stained my sheets with tears. It was a perfectly wonderful evening as the fat yellow moon sat by the branches. I was tossing and turning in my bed trying to kick out the horrible feeling to put myself back to sleep. There were a thousand emotions swirling my sluggish mind.

Endings are hard. I took it pretty battered up and staggered. Everyone has their own way to deal with this pain differently. As for me, it took me longer to absorb the changes and begin again.

We have no other means but broke it off via the internet. I want to imagine that our conversation wasn't forced. I let myself believe that it is a mutual understanding of detachment. More of his side than mine,still with my consent.

Endings are a part of life. It is one of life's never ending cycles. Good and bad, weeping and laughter, to love and to hate, birth and death. That's why we have transitions in life like graduations, weddings and funerals.

My turning point was pretty devastating.

Still it taught me a few things. First is that endings are actually necessary. Some good things just have to end. Like long bubble baths, or a fascinating book, an interesting movie, a weekend getaway, or even a two year relationship with a great guy. As much as I never wanted it to end I know it will get me nowhere if I continue on. In the long run, it will just hurt more.

So I tried to see beauty from pain.

I marvel at the exquisite beauty of roses. In order to create perfection beyond our imaginations, it has to be pruned to grow back healthier leaves. Sometimes things (or people for that matter) need to be cut off from our lives so we can heal and blossom. It doesn't mean that he is not an amazing guy because he is. He was just not the best choice, God's choice. Even if I persisted, cried, and growled, I know deep in my heart that it was not him. God has a different plan in mind.

I know even if endings come to life God will not leave me in a place of despair. Bleary-eyed, I look up and smile as it begins to settle in my heart that God really is in control. He knows what He's doing.

And I trust Him.

Then just one night, the bad dreams started to disappear. Another hand holding me, hugging me even. It was firmer, gentler, it was a hand more secure than the first.

I am holding God's hand.



P.S
>.< I wouldn't want to offend anyone. Sorry if I did. I'm not actually sorry, sorry. Still... I am crossing my fingers to continue expressing like this. I have never felt more alive my entire life. I know I had given up a long time ago with my writing crap but give me chance. Just one more time. I'll try hard to write lame honest feelings. You are free to comment here. Yup, even as anon (I'm scared of anon!) if you want me to shut up.