Monday, November 11, 2013
Three days ago a big typhoon hit the Philippines. It was known internationally as Haiyan, but locally it was called Yolanda. Words are not enough to describe the devastation it left the whole nation taking an estimation of 10 000 people and displacing more than 600 000 from their homes. It is on every radio and tv station, on the internet, on facebook and twitter. People offering their help, condolences, prayers and financial assistance.
I wept bitterly seeing children, old people, men and women being swept away by the strong current or being thrown by the winds. I don't know anyone personally, still tears won't stop just by knowing that they might be cold or hungry. The will to go on and to survive. How can they do it knowing one of their loved ones just passed away? How can they cope?
I wish I can go there and help. To extend whatever means I can. My heart is burdened it won't stop from praying, hoping and with the little that I have help as much as I can. Maybe if I am back home I might be volunteering packing relief goods or whatever they need me to do. My feet are itching to go there and be involved. It is such a privilege to know that the NZ government is giving a lofty donation to my country. At the same time being a member of NZ Unicef gives me a peek at some of the things that they are doing.
But, there is a big but in this blog. It pains me to see facebook. How people are unconcerned about the other half of the country. Games, selcas, food, drawings and parties. I know life shouldn't stop. I am just offended by all the talks about Filipinos against Filipinos, controversies about pork barrel, looting and anarchy, who opens doors and who doesn't, blaming, pointing fingers and laughing at no-nonesense particulars about our President. I am ashamed that instead of going out there and helping we are just loud noises that keep on babbling opinions between right and wrong.
At the same time, I am proud. All the concerned people who kept on praying and assisting. I am amazed how social networking helped in the fast response for help. I have read stories of hope, of relief, of tears of joy knowing their loved ones survived. Despite the horrific photos in the internet there were tear-jerker ones where people held hands, smiled and waved as the devastation moved past behind them.
I am praying for my country.I wish I can do more than just express another opinion in a blog.
Jesus would go out there. Calm the chaos, heal the sick, feed the thousands. He would be hands on giving compassion, hope and peace. Filipinos are resilient and we always bounce back from tragedies over and over again. I am proud of that and will always be.
Donations given to:
Saturday, July 6, 2013
I am comfortable. I am neither happy nor sad and that concerns me knowing that passion never lies in between. As much in life, in love, or in anything else, we shouldn't be lukewarm. I am concerned that I am becoming passive and just don't care anymore. At the back of my mind I don't want to go with the flow but experience life in a different way. Money isn't everything but you need it to live and that got in the way. I want money. I need money. My passion stopped.
I am not inlove with my job. It is not the greatest of the jobs but it isn't the worst of it either. It was nice, comfortable, not easy but mostly routine. I like it. The consistency of the lab suits my unparalleled thinking.At some point I truly just want to stay in this job and do it forever. Then something happened.
I am now offered a two year fixed term contract and I am very happy about it. Then my friend back in the Philippines suddenly contracted me and told me that my TOR is on its way. I am torn. I have always waited for that piece of paper to help me get through with my life in this foreign land. And now that I am holding it in my hands I am doubtful about what I want again.
I have always wanted to continue my studies and be someone who holds a doctor degree. Call it ambition or whatever but in life some people do want recognition and I would be a hypocrite not to say so. I can always jst do it. The things is.. I am already earning money and quitting my job isn't an option. I like my job more than anything else even if it gives me S*** most of the time. A part time study is an option only if I am studying something that doesn't involve a lot of memorizing and reports. I can totally do it but I am not so sure anymore.
My life is lukewarm. I am neither hot nor cold. I do not know what I want. I am nearly in my thirties and I envy people around me that just loves what they are doing. Or at least they are doing something for a greater purpose other than earning. I plan to live happily. To prove there is more to life than just lovelife.
I have realized there is more to life than just love and career.
I know what the missing piece is and I need to renew my relationship with HIM or I will be a walking zombie like everyone else.
Somehow I realize, it always goes back to Him.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Being new to this whole Parachute thing I have high expectations about the 3day christian camp music event of New Zealand. So this one goes from 25-27 2013, friday to sunday. We have red wristbands and the cool thing about it is that you don't have to carry your wallet around but just swipe your wristband to buy items. It is pretty cool, i kinda think it's like "in time" movie of justin (ok that movie wasn't that great but it was funny remembering that).
The first band that we saw was young lyre, they are actually good esp the drummer that plays as if he dances. Free at will was next and it is heavy metal rock or something but they were awesome. It was just funny how the guy in front of us messes up once ina while. We were standing in front by the rails.. awesome.But I mean the main singer is good himself as most often i don't like looking at main singers for they just.. well, they just sing.. but he's good. He goes crazy.
We roamed the place bought some yummy churros and wait for saving grace. I jave heard of them before but not really. As the front act of the main stage they must be really good.. well they are. All main stages are thumbs up btw.
We were standing by the front rails again and there we can see them almost up close. They are screamo rock and i haven't heard that kind of music since greyhoundz. All i can say to that is wow. The stage presence and charisma, the testimony of this 8 year band for Jesus. They do mosh pits and circle running around thing with the audience! Totally dusty and fun! hahaha.
New empire, an australian band wss good as well, we were considering of watching them again tomorrow. The main singer can play the guitar and keybboards. he told us by the stage that his mom died 3 days ago and had a funeral yesterday. waaa.. poor guy.
We didn't stay for ruby frost but she is good
We went at the other stages to watch new bands. Ended up seeing arklow with a few fans with them but the singer is pretty, my sis thinks she looks like katy perry and her guitarist looks like taylor swift. What are the odds, that is cute.
Black boy peaches came but they were not as good so we ended up coming bakc to the main stage. haha.. troll of us waiting for them and leaving. *shrugs shoulders*
Evermore was more than what I expected and I liked some of their songs. I have heard that they were the judges for the Parachute got talent. I mean, they were really good and the crowd responded to them well.
But Rapture ruckus, that was the best finale i have seen for a long time. I am smiling the whole time. I am officially their fan now haha.. The singer is just admirable! He shared Jesus, he even prayed for the audience. It was good fun! Some songs sounded like kpop then some sounded like black eyed peas. In the end they were just a band singing for Jesus. He rode a bubble in the crowd which was just so funny. He was carried around the whole crowd which I haven't seen in a concert before. Brave soul he is. haha. Maybe I will end up buying their cd. You couldn't blame me really. I like the that much.
All in all my first experience of parachutE is amazing. I wish i can be a better teller so i'd give justice to the great day.
For now i feel so tired i need a good night rest so that i'd be ready for the 2nd day. Sooo excited!!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
What do I really want in life?
Where do I go from here?
These are the questions swirling on my head today.
To be perfectly honest, my life isn’t too bad. I’ve got a job that I love, great friends and workmates; finances are well taken cared of.
There is this tiny nudge within me that always asks. Is this the life you want?
I fight back all the time saying I should be appreciative, thankful and not doubt on what God has given me. He wants me here for a reason.
I love my job. First of all it pays the bills and a little excess for my wants. The job, which is handling important animal stuff, is easy and challenging at the same time. One sample represents one animal, one life. The people are helpful, fun loving and unbelievably smart. Of course like all other places it isn’t perfect but it is almost close to perfection. I am comfortable.
I am living a comfortable life but I am not living the life that I have always dreamed of.
I dreamed of kids, mission trips, bible studies, singing, dancing, and enjoying my fellowship with fellow believers. I dream of fund raisings, renewed life, and saved souls. I dream of colorful picture cutouts, of inspiring highschool skits and life changing prayers. I dream of lives changed, testimonies and miracles. I dream of a life that is always on fire for Jesus. Someone who connects, a person everyone can trust, a person so strong in faith with integrity and grace.
My only dream is to be with Jesus.
I feel hollow right now. Jesus is still here but I can’t feel Him.
I am not turning away from my faith. My faith is the only thing I have that no one can take away. The thing is, my faith wavers every now and then and I know I am not that strong.
I pray. I prayed hard. I prayed like a crazy person talking to herself inside the car, eyes closed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
Why does it hurt so much trying to get closer to God?
It almost feels like rejection, only, deeper, harder, and more difficult.
My hearts desires? What are they?
To be a vet?
To be a writer?
To praise God?
I have once mentioned in our highschool yearbook that I wanted to be a doctor, writer and missionary. I am nowhere near those three.
I am an almost vet doctor, who writes fanfictions and talks to bugs about Jesus.
I am living the dream. * put sarcasm here *
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t want to stay like this forever.
I want to fulfill my dreams but I have lost my path.
I regret a lot of things in my life. I wish I have done this or that but life can never be replayed. If I have to look back, what do I want to change? I wish I took the wise advices of people who knew better. I wish I were courageous enough to ask for help. I wish I locked up my heart and focused on what is important. I wish I smiled more, thanked more people, to be respectful, and creative. I wish I could do better. I wish I had more backbone and stood up for what I want.
But I am a coward.
My heart cries with the cowardice of this person. The things I could have done. The things I could have finished. The things I can be proud off and say. I did that and I never regret.
And what now?
What do I do now?
I told you.
My life isn’t bad but I live in regrets and unfulfilled dreams.
I wish I did well.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
For people who have read previous blog and thought i have talked about them. (well maybe I did but does it matter?) I am sorry (nonetheless).
As I have said I need a time ans space to cope.
The truth is I am overwhelmed with the sarcasm I am getting lately. It suffocates me. I wish I can understand better but I don't and for that I know it's my fault. I want to start a clean slate but how to do that? I wonder.
I know I have been ranting about my kiwi life but the truth is I am really thankful for being here. It's like home, far away from home. There is no place better than hamilton.
I used to be thankful.
I will walk from claudelands to melville because my bus fare won't be enough, doing that 4 times a week and IT'S OK.
I would get hurt, have a few little bruises and get tired at the end of the day but getting a small pay but IT'S OK.
I would wait until someone else is not using the computer just to get a chance to log in to facebook since I don't have my own but IT'S OK.
Little things that are completely out of bounds for me now. I drive a car, I don't get bruises from work and I have my own computer BUT I have a lot to say as if I am not satisfied.
I have realized that in every season of my life I have been greatly blessed than others and because of that I never complained. So what changed?
In a way I know my relationship with God is staggering. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to reach out. My devotions, even if done everyday is shallow. I miss camps, discipleship, fellowship, ministry. I feel burned out just thinking about such things.
Maybe, just maybe, my dissatisfaction about my surroundings came from the fact that I no longer feel myself serving my purpose. That one thing that I should do and do well.
God placed me in this situation for a purpose. I wish I know God's heart.
"If I am not satisfied here I won't be satisfied anywhere else."