Monday, April 28, 2014

Cleaning and some Sneezing

"Give me this (mountain) that the Lord promised me." - Joshua 14:12

Cleaning up my mess will always be a chore. But it is also the time when I get to open up old journals, laugh at my old drawings, marvel how weird I was years back and throw away stuff I don't need anymore. It is clearing out not only my room but my past. I try not to hoard but it will never be easy to let go.

For years I have struggled with forgiveness not for another person but of myself. I regret a lot of things in my life. It is hard to admit but I am too hard on myself. A lot of people told me so. I beg to disagree that I am a perfectionist but that is besides the point. It seems like I always want to prove myself that I am worthy. That I can be accepted. I try too much to please I give out bad first impressions.

I have learned that no matter what I do I cannot control what people think of me. I do not owe anyone an explanation of why and how I do things. They have opinions and it takes too little to change that otherwise. If they like me good, if they don't I will not subject myself into a travesty believing they would magically become bestfriends with me. It just doesn't work that way.

In life we choose to throw away things that are not important, let go of people who will hurt us, and move on with positivity to achieve greatness. I have decided not to let myself be dragged down with self pity, guilt, and anger. I have decided to live happily "even" after, right?

Why did I include sneezing in the title? Aside from the fact that I get massive allergies from dust I have also realize that when you try to purge things out of your life it will give you a certain discomfort you wouldn't like. It will not be easy, it can make you ill but it has to be done.

These kind of things are worth it.

In conclusion, my sis Joi has suggested that instead of cooping inside the four walls of my room I should write again since I have a lot of pent up emotions. I never considered myself a good writer but true enough aside from all the grammatical and spelling errors I have always been a person who has a lot to say. I used to write ISCF corner in "the Pillar" back in the days. When I was young, stupid, reckless, has a loud voice especially when angry (as pau says, sorry na pau), and when I was focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I envy that same girl and how I wish I could dream like her. I am happy for what I have become, for people I have met and for circumstances that made me thick. I would never trade that.

Still, if there's one thing I would like to remind myself of, it is how stubborn I was on what I believe. I went out for things that are far beyond my capabilities. I believe in the power of one knee praying than none at all. I have great faith on an amazing God.

Cleaning up my mess made my life simpler. Sure, I'll be having a terrible night sleeping but tomorrow will be another day. And guess what? I will be waking up in a tidy room and endless possibilities.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Best Birthday so Far

woke up dizzy this morning. Even before today I have been in a series of mini celebrations for my birthday. It's not my 18th or my 21st but it feels like I have only started appreciating my birthday as I got older.

Last Wednesday I received my first birthday gift. I got a scarf and a charm bracelet from Roop and Veronica! I soooo love it! The bracelet is so cute with a wishbone, four leaf clover and horseshoe. I feel so lucky already to have such an awesome gift.
It was my parents 31st anniversary too

Thursday, is practically my rest day. But I get to shop for some things I wanted to buy for myself. Joi gave me an awesome kathmandu bag.

 I got to get myself some hoodies, a dress,another bag (a girl always needs more bag) and a happiness journal.

Friday was amazing! I get to go with Dindin and Jowi to Taupo for some bungy jumping and cliffhanger swing. 

Jowi got her try of bungy jumping too. I didn't get to skydive because it was to windy I have to reschedule it on Sunday (tadah!my birthday). We got ourselves some sushi for lunch and hang out by the lake before going home. The bungy was a scary experience but well.. it was fun at the same time. I am just glad to have done it.

Saturday, me and a couple of people went for a hike to Wairere Falls. It was beautiful!! Just a great place to go to. The people with me who celebrated my pre-birthday were awesomer than awesome. We had a fab day in there. 

My mom gave me some Pajamas for my birthday in which I think are awesome gifts as well.

Sunday, my birthday, (today) I got to skydive back at Taupo with Joi. My dad drove and it was so nice to have someone drive us there since I have a massive headache after climbing that mountain (oh Lord, why?) But the skydiving was amazing! My skydiving instructor was Elad and I did some crazy things up there. I am such a wuzz.

After skydiving I was stung by a bee (which is a first) and my headache lessened. The pain in my right pinky is still here and it's still stiff. 
We went for a drive and I have to admit it was good fun too.

Adel and Ate Emie gave me hiking shoes and a bag (respectively). I am just sooooo..thrilled. huwaw.. db? 

The end of the day, I blew some candles over some macaroons and prayed for everyone who remembered. 

I am overwhelmed with the love people has shown me today. Important naman pala ako (hahaha).

The last thing I would like to do is to never forget and document things here. Thank you. Thank you for everyone. Thank you for friends, family and people who made me stronger to be such a bad ass chick (I have boasting rights as someone told me). And I thank God for allowing me to experience all this. I need this. The reassurance. The thrill. The pure enjoyment. The feelings of being loved despite of. I know not a lot of people like me. I don't care anymore. A few true people are enough and God showed me that kindness I have given to people in the past were never in vain. I may self pity every now and then but I am not alone. I care for them and that is what matters. God is well aware of my struggle to fit in and seek for approval but I don't need such things anymore. I do my best, sometimes more than what of expected from me. I want to surprise people that I can do it and more. This is the challenge for myself. The extremes are just a representation of what I have become. A person not afraid.. anymore..

-signing off

Thursday, March 20, 2014

nerve wrecking

I should go to sleep.

All my senses are trying to tell me "have some rest for you will need it tomorrow." But sleep is well aware of the fear inside my chest it wouldn't succumb to my plea.

am afraid. No I am terrified.

I feel like a bloke of ice, frozen and petrified.

I have made a decision to face my fear. Hands sweating, feet cold, heart pumping scared out of my wits I am still going to do this. It is now or never.

I never expect to have this courage. I am a thrill seeker but at the same time I try to live cautiously. I want change and to prove to myself that I am not a wimp. That I  can stand on my own and do it. That I can overcome struggles and  be victorious. 

I have been reading John Elridge book "journey to desire" and I realized my desire to be a person who'll step up and step out. This is a "just do it" thing. 

Jumping is not the scary bit.It is the stomach lurching pain of knowing things will never be the same afterwards.

Lord, I pray to be safe. You are with me and I will not be afraid.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Tears in the Storm

As I gaze outside my window, a good 24 degrees Celsius outside, I can't help but wonder about my fellowmen back home.

Three days ago a big typhoon hit the Philippines. It was known internationally as Haiyan, but locally it was called Yolanda. Words are not enough to describe the devastation it left the whole nation taking an estimation of 10 000 people and displacing more than 600 000 from their homes. It is on every radio and tv station, on the internet, on facebook and twitter. People offering their help, condolences, prayers and financial assistance.

I wept bitterly seeing children, old people, men and women being swept away by the strong current or being thrown by the winds. I don't know anyone personally, still tears won't stop just by knowing that they might be cold or hungry. The will to go on and to survive. How can they do it knowing one of their loved ones just passed away? How can they cope?

I wish I can go there and help. To extend whatever means I can. My heart is burdened it won't stop from praying, hoping and with the little that I have help as much as I can. Maybe if I am back home I might be volunteering packing relief goods or whatever they need me to do. My feet are itching to go there and be involved. It is such a privilege to know that the NZ government is giving a lofty donation to my country. At the same time being a member of NZ Unicef gives me a peek at some of the things that they are doing.

But, there is a big but in this blog. It pains me to see facebook. How people are unconcerned about the other half of the country. Games, selcas, food, drawings and parties. I know life shouldn't stop. I am just offended by all the talks about Filipinos against Filipinos, controversies about pork barrel, looting and anarchy, who opens doors and who doesn't, blaming, pointing fingers and laughing at no-nonesense particulars about our President. I am ashamed that instead of going out there and helping we are just loud noises that keep on babbling opinions between right and wrong.

At the same time, I am proud. All the concerned people who kept on praying and assisting. I am amazed how social networking helped in the fast response for help. I have read stories of hope, of relief, of tears of joy knowing their loved ones survived. Despite the horrific photos in the internet there were tear-jerker ones where people held hands, smiled and waved as the devastation moved past behind them.

I am praying for my country.I wish I can do more than just express another opinion in a blog.

Jesus would go out there. Calm the chaos, heal the sick, feed the thousands. He would be hands on giving compassion, hope and peace. Filipinos are resilient and we always bounce back from tragedies over and over again. I am proud of that and will always be.

Donations given to:

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Lukewarm life

It's been months since I last posted a blog in this page. It is not because I have lost my passion for looking for my happily ever after but only because in these past six months I am in a journey of rediscovering what life truly has to offer. It might sound a little more melodramatic but the truth is I am not so sure myself what it is about finding yourself and knowing what makes you happy.

I am comfortable. I am neither happy nor sad and that concerns me knowing that passion never lies in between. As much in life, in love, or in anything else, we shouldn't be lukewarm. I am concerned that I am becoming passive and just don't care anymore. At the back of my mind I don't want to go with the flow but experience life in a different way. Money isn't everything but you need it to live and that got in the way. I want money. I need money. My passion stopped.

I am not inlove with my job. It is not the greatest of the jobs but it isn't the worst of it either. It was nice, comfortable, not easy but mostly routine. I like it. The consistency of the lab suits my unparalleled thinking.At some point I truly just want to stay in this job and do it forever. Then something happened.

I am now offered a two year fixed term contract and I am very happy about it. Then my friend back in the Philippines suddenly contracted me and told me that my TOR is on its way. I am torn. I have always waited for that piece of paper to help me get through with my life in this foreign land. And now that I am holding it in my hands I am doubtful about what I want again.

I have always wanted to continue my studies and be someone who holds a doctor degree. Call it ambition or whatever but in life some people do want recognition and I would be a hypocrite not to say so. I can always jst do it. The things is.. I am already earning money and quitting my job isn't an option. I like my job more than anything else even if it gives me S*** most of the time. A part time study is an option only if I am studying something that doesn't involve a lot of memorizing and reports. I can totally do it but I am not so sure anymore.

My life is lukewarm. I am neither hot nor cold. I do not know what I want. I am nearly in my thirties and I envy people around me that just loves what they are doing. Or at least they are doing something for a greater purpose other than earning. I plan to live happily. To prove there is more to life than just lovelife.

I have realized there is more to life than just love and career.

I know what the missing piece is and I need to renew my relationship with HIM or I will be a walking zombie like everyone else.


Somehow I realize, it always goes back to Him.